Danielle Hayes, the founder of Calm Kids: Counselling & Wellbeing Services, possesses over three decades of expertise as an educator, children's counsellor, and parent coach. She is a trusted speaker on trauma-informed education and parenting, advocating for the holistic wellbeing of children, teachers and families.
Have you ever collected your child from school, having been told by the teacher that they have behaved perfectly all day, but as soon as they arrive home, your child just explodes? This common occurrence, known as ‘After-School Restraint Collapse’ (a term used to describe the phenomenon where children hold it together during the school day but lose control once they're in a safe environment), is a shared experience in households everywhere. You are not alone in this. This article examines why this occurs and provides four helpful strategies to support your child and bring harmony back into the household.
What is after school restraint collapse?
Parents everywhere know the feeling of collecting their children after school and then waiting for the ‘explosion’ when you simply ask how their day was, or even worse, ask them to do homework, finish their game, or get ready for bed. You don’t even recognise the child you dropped at school earlier that morning and are left bewildered as to how they have transformed into such an irrational being in such a short time. To understand what is happening, we should examine some basic neurobiology.
Red, blue and green: Our nervous system in easy to understand terms
Dr Mona Delahooke, an excellent paediatric psychologist, developed the idea of using colours to simplify three of our primary nervous system response states, also known as Polyvagal Theory. I find these colours very helpful in explaining children’s behaviour to parents and teachers. Here’s a brief rundown.
Green
The first response state is called Social Engagement, or our Green State. In this state, our child will feel regulated, safe, connected to others, competent, and in control. Their bodies are more relaxed, and they can feel such emotions as joy, hope, and gratitude. Optimally, this would be their default state.
Red
The next autonomic response state is the Fight or Flight, or Red State, and is the body’s way of ensuring survival, preparing our child to either run away from a threat or fight it. It does this by releasing extra stress hormones, affecting the functionality of the body and the brain. In this state, the pre-frontal cortex (PFC or the ‘thinking’ brain) goes temporarily offline to allow survival processes to take over, explaining what often looks like completely irrational behaviours. The heart rate increases, and they can feel fidgety as the hormones gather in their arms and legs in preparation for the fight or flight (hence, a lot of kicking, stomping, or hitting can occur during an overload).
Blue
Then there's the Freeze/Shut Down or our Blue State. This is when your child feels completely overwhelmed and just can't muster the energy to fight or flee anymore. Their heart and breath rates slow down, and they might become withdrawn and quiet or seem sad or deflated. It's like their body is saying, 'I'm done for the day.'
A day In the life of your child’s nervous system
With these three states in mind, let us look at an average day in a child’s life from the perspective of their nervous system. If we consider the nervous system as an invisible backpack your child carries around all day, it can help us understand our child’s after-school behavior.
Before school
Mornings can often be stressful, with everyone in the household trying to get ready for work or school drop-offs. It can feel like we are hurrying and herding our children out the door. If the adults in the household show signs of stress, a child’s nervous system will jump into the Red or Blue State. Your child may experience a before-school tantrum or become quiet and sedate, frustrating you even more due to their lack of commitment to being ready on time. Considering our backpack analogy, your child has already begun to gather the stress hormones, adrenaline and cortisol. They arrive at school in an activated RED state, on guard.
At school
Sadly, many schools today are no longer considered physiologically ‘safe places’. This is due to the critical nature of co-regulation (a regulated adult's nervous system supporting a child's nervous system to stay regulated). Our teachers are often overwhelmed due to the mounting pressures of overloaded curriculums, excessive assessment and reporting processes, and managing challenging behaviours, making adult self-regulation much more difficult. If our child is in a classroom with a teacher who raises their voice, even if this is aimed towards another child, or the teacher is in a hurry to have the class finish an activity, this can add to our child’s stress hormone levels, topping up that backpack even more.
Even our youngest students' school days now resemble a high school timetable, with children moving from classroom to classroom, teacher to teacher. This lack of stability places additional stresses on a child’s nervous system, in particular, neurodiverse children and those who have experienced trauma, who require predictability and structure to feel physiologically safe. Let’s add a little more to that backpack.
By now, this ‘backpack’ is starting to feel quite heavy with these additional stress hormones loading it up, and your child needs to focus on ‘holding it together’. This takes energy, lots of energy. The fight or flight response is being activated, but your child understands and has enough self-control to know that they don’t want to get into trouble at school. Being compliant takes energy. They work hard all day to do what is asked of them, to be polite and show kindness to their teachers and peers. But finally…
After school
The school day ends, and your child jumps into the car with this heavy backpack of stress hormones. You simply enquire about their day, but the energy it takes to answer can be enough for them to toss the imaginary backpack off, releasing all of the built-up stress hormones in one go, like a volcano erupting. Or, they shift into the Blue State, unable to answer you, as all their energy has been depleted. They are with you, their safe person, allowing them to offload the backpack, but unfortunately, placing you as a target for those overwhelming behaviours.
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Not only after school
After-school restraint Collapse does not occur only after school. Adults can experience a similar phenomenon after work when they feel irritable and tired and have difficulty answering questions or deciding what to cook for dinner. Children can experience it when staying with a friend or relative or attending a party.
We see this often in children who live between two homes. One parent may state that the child has been perfect for them all week or weekend, but the child explodes with emotion when returning to the other parent. This discrepancy can feel incredibly personal and can make the targeted parent feel like they are doing something wrong. Please know that your child has chosen you to be their safe person and provide their safe space. It might feel challenging, but it demonstrates their trust in you to share in their lowest state. This in itself is a privilege.
So, how do we avoid this?
We can do several things to avoid or minimize the impact of the after-school meltdown.
1. Routines
Morning and afternoon routines can assist because the brain feels safer knowing what is happening ahead of time. Visual schedules can empower children to participate more willingly in preparing for school. Keep routines simple but consistent and developmentally appropriate. Do as much preparation for the morning the night before, e.g. making lunches, choosing clothing, and packing the school bag. This will eliminate some stress from the morning routine and ensure that your child focuses only on what is needed: breakfast, getting dressed, teeth cleaning, placing lunch in their bag, etc. It can seem challenging to do this at night when you feel tired and depleted, but you will feel grateful in the morning for a smoother transition to school and/or work, and your child can ease into their busy day in a Green State rather than Red.
2. Validate
When you collect your child from school and sense that they are in a Red or Blue State, try not to ask too many questions, even though this is tempting because you care and want to hear about their day. When their PFC (thinking brain) is offline, they won't be able to listen effectively and answer your questions, which may result in a fight-or-flight response or complete shutdown. In this situation, you can ask, “Is there anything you’d like to share about your day?” or simply validate the emotions your child may need to express. “It looks like you had a long day.”, or “I feel like that too sometimes after a long day”. The key here is not to take their behaviour personally and become activated by it. Take some deep, regulating breaths to develop co-regulation and remain in your Green State.
3. Decompress
When your child returns home after school with a full backpack of stress hormones, the most effective thing you can do is help them to release those hormones in a healthy way.
Adrenaline is sent into your child’s arms and legs to prepare for fight and/or flight. Physical activity is the most effective way to release this extra build-up, and it can take as little as 10 minutes. We recommend trying this as soon as you arrive home. Due to your child’s tiredness, getting them to participate in some physical activity will be almost impossible once they start eating and relaxing.
Trampoline - Jumping on a trampoline for 10 minutes is a wonderful way to release stress hormones. (You can join your child for this, as it helps adults, too!)
Bike-riding - the combination of being outdoors and movement makes riding a bike a healthy way to release built-up stress. A simple ride around the block, or even a brisk walk, can be an effective regulating activity.
Dance Party - if the outdoors is not an option due to weather or resources, having a short dance party after school can be fun. Choose 2 or 3 songs your child loves moving to, and join them in shaking that body. The simple act of shaking our arms and legs is a great way to release extra adrenaline. Effective shaking songs can include “I Like To Move It” from the movie Madagascar or Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off.” Kidz Bop have created dance tutorials on YouTube that are easy for the whole family to follow. **Please use your discretion as to what is both age and developmentally appropriate for your child.
Laughter - when we are tired and overwhelmed, laughter tends to disappear. Activities that create laughter and joy can help release stress hormones. Does your child like to tell jokes? Keep a favorite joke book in the car for the ride home or on the kitchen bench to share some jokes over afternoon tea.
4. Replenish
After decompressing, your child’s energy levels will need to be replenished. Healthy snacks such as cheese, fruit sticks, vegetable sticks, dried fruit, and nuts will give your child the longer-lasting energy they need to complete homework, unpack their bags, and make it through until dinner time. It can be tempting to provide your child with sugary snacks because that is what they feel they need, but whilst sugar will give them a speedy burst of hyper-energy, it will also end very quickly, and your child will feel depleted and be looking for more food in no time. Drinking water is also essential to support the nervous system and allow the body to replenish itself after a long and busy day.
A quick note about electronics
After a long day, it is easy to see why your child wants to jump onto their technology and ‘chill out.’ And let’s be honest: You need some downtime, too, right? While there is nothing wrong with a short, monitored time on technology, please note that depending on what your child is playing or watching on their device, it is anything but a ‘chill out.’ A child’s physical body may be relatively still whilst playing on their device, giving a sense of relaxation; however, their nervous system can be highly activated, building up even more stress hormones than before. If they haven’t had a chance to release these prior, your child will experience an overload, which you will witness when you ask them to turn off the device or end the game.
Being proactive directly before and after school and having some consistent and realistic routines can allow you and your child to remain in a Green State more often and manage the Red and Blue States more efficiently. Bringing more peace and harmony into the most stressful parts of your day supports everyone in the family in managing their nervous system states and stress levels.
Read more from Danielle Hayes
Danielle Hayes, Counsellor, Educator, Parent Coach, Speaker
Danielle Hayes is passionate about addressing the rising levels of anxiety in our children and adolescents. Danielle experienced childhood anxiety, herself, and believes that supporting parents and educators to understand how trauma is stored in our bodies is the key to helping children heal. As an educator and counsellor with over three decades of experience, she has complemented her studies with holistic approaches such as yoga, meditation and somatic therapy.
Danielle founded Calm Kids: Counselling & Wellbeing Services to help families access holistic, child-centered therapy services, including art, yoga, play, somatic and mindfulness therapies.
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