Written by: James Phelan, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
Communication is one of the most important skills you can have to create better relationships. It's not just about being able to talk, but also about listening and understanding what other people are saying. The more we listen to understand others, the better we will get at it. The following steps will help you improve your communication skills:
1. Start talking softly, don't criticize
The first step to better communication is being honest and open. You can start by simply trying "I think we need to talk about this."
It's important not to criticize the other person or jump to conclusions before they've had a chance to explain themselves. Be calm and respectful when you approach them with your concerns, even if it seems like the easiest thing in the world right now.
If you’re feeling frustrated, it can be tempting to start the conversation with something like, “You always do this!” or “Why do I always have to be the one who does everything around here?” But if your goal is for your partner to hear what you have to say, then it might be better to start with something simple like, “I think we need to talk about this.” This approach gives them an opportunity to acknowledge that there is a problem and an opportunity for both of you to talk about how things might change moving forward (which brings us neatly onto step two…).
2. Be clear and specific
Let's say you're annoyed because your partner is leaving dishes in the sink. You might want to express this annoyance, but if you're going to use "you" in the sentence and not sit down with him or her and talk things out first, then they'll likely feel attacked and get defensive.
A better way to express the same problem would be something along these lines: "I get frustrated when dishes are left in the sink. Can you put them in the dishwasher please?" This way your partner will hear what it is about their behavior that bothers you without feeling attacked by an accusatory tone.
If there's one rule of thumb when it comes communicating effectively, it's this: state what exactly YOU want or need from someone else without being vague or accusing them of doing something wrong.
Don't say
"You make me so mad!" or "You're always late!" or "It's your fault!". When you’re upset with a loved one, it can be tempting to blame them or use harsh language. Don’t do this! It won't help your relationship and will likely make things worse. Instead of saying, “You make me so mad!” try, “I don't like being frustrated when I'm trying to get something done. Can we figure out how to avoid this from happening again?” Similarly, instead of saying, “You're always late!” try saying something like: “I would really appreciate it if we could be on time for appointments together so that our time isn't wasted waiting around for each other. How can we work on getting our calendars synced up so that this doesn't happen again?
Say
Instead, say something like," I'm frustrated because we hardly see each other." Describing how you feel is much better than putting blame on the other person.
Rather than saying, "You never spend time with me," try using more specific language. For example, “I’m frustrated because we hardly see each other.” Also, never blame the other person or make it about them—this will only cause more arguments and hurt feelings.
Communication is a skill for life that must be practiced daily to keep it in shape and avoid future miscommunication.
3. Listen with curiosity, not judgment
Listening is a skill that can be learned. It’s not about waiting for your turn to talk; it’s about understanding what the other person is saying and showing that you care. When we listen to judge we move into contempt. Research has shown that contempt is the number one predictor of divorce. The opposite of judgement is curiosity.
When you find yourself thinking about what you want to say next, STOP! Acknowledge the speaker by nodding or saying “I see,” “okay,” or “right.” Listen with an open mind and heart and allow them to finish their thought before responding with an open question such as “What do you mean?”
It's easy to want to jump into a conversation and argue about your opinion as soon as someone starts talking. Try listening more!
Don't interrupt
Don't argue
Don't judge
Don't be defensive
Don't try to explain your side of the story; just listen to what they have to say first, then you can share yours if they want your opinion or input on something specific (like a project). And if they don’t ask for it and don’t seem interested in hearing your side, maybe it's best not saying anything at all right now!
4. Repeat in your own words
Finally, repeat what they said to show you were listening. It's easy to misunderstand people when we're distracted or daydreaming. It also shows that you care about understanding their point of view and will help avoid any miscommunications in the future. If there was a misunderstanding, this step allows an opportunity for both parties to clear things up and ensure everyone is on the same page with regards to expectations and desired outcomes.
This can be one of the easiest and most powerful things you can do when communicating with another person. Repeat what they said in your own words so that you both know you understand each other. If there was a misunderstanding, this will allow an opportunity to clear things up.
Communication is more than a conversation
Communication is more than just having a conversation; it's about listening and understanding. It's about being able to talk about difficult things. It's about being able to talk about the things that are important to you, even if they're not important to someone else.
To communicate effectively, you need to be able to listen without interrupting and have an open mind when someone is talking to you. You also need to understand what they're saying so that you can respond appropriately. If someone says something wrong or offensive, don't get defensive—ask them questions so that they can explain themselves better before deciding whether their statement was appropriate or not.
Conclusion
It's important to remember that communication is a two-way street. If you want to be heard by someone else, you have to listen as well. The best way to start improving your relationship with someone else is by listening and repeating what they said in your own words. This will help them feel heard and understood, which can lead to better conversations going forward.
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James Phelan, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
Jim Phelan is a leader in the field of psychology and personal transformation. Having trained with the foremost experts in the field he uniquely qualified to offer help in the areas of relationships, stress and anxiety management and sleep disturbance. Jim has studied personal development and the psychology of change since early childhood. He founded Phelan Counseling and Consulting after earning two Master's degrees in the field of counseling and psychology.
