Written by: Christina Beauchemin, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
Humans have long feared conflict, and many will avoid it at all costs, even to their own detriment. Through my study of human behavior, I have noticed that those known in our world as “winners” are the ones who remain calm even in the most difficult situations.
This article boils down the process of becoming comfortable in emotionally charged moments into four simple steps.
I emphasize that “simple” does not mean “easy.”
Becoming comfortable in difficult situations takes practice and a commitment to building heightened self-awareness.
As you come to know yourself more intimately, you naturally begin to release old reaction patterns and begin responding in a healthier manner.
Like any other skill, building self-awareness does not happen overnight. Instead, it requires patience and persistence.
Please keep this in mind as you read.
Step one: Step away (in your mind)
“Stepping away” is easier than you might think.
Imagine a difficult colleague (or any irritated person) striding toward you with an angry expression.
Your stomach tenses, and you get ready to defend yourself. As you build self-awareness, though, you begin to understand how to step into the role of the “observer.”
Start by taking a deep breath while relaxing your body. Imagine you are in a theater, watching the events unfold on the screen. This method allows you to feel you are outside the situation, watching the exchange rather than being in the midst of it.
As the observer, when the upset person begins unleashing their pent-up emotions, you watch the scenario unfolding rather than feeling that you are the target. Doing so helps you listen more carefully.
As you practice, you will learn to start asking yourself questions such as:
Does it serve me to get angry right now?
Does my getting angry serve the situation as a whole?
As you improve your skills, you can dig a little deeper.
Do I expect a negative outcome in challenging situations with this person?
Am I looking for the negative now?
What outcome am I expecting?
This is all about building self-awareness. By gaining more self-awareness, it becomes easier to remain the observer.
Step two: Don’t play the blame game
Blaming yourself or another person is not helpful in any situation. Remember that when someone “sets you off,” in many cases, your reaction is being fueled by insecurity.
Discovering the cause of an insecurity often takes an outside perspective. You may find it helpful in this case to work with a coach.
The good news here is that each time you release an old insecurity, you build more self-confidence.
Step three: Reflect on your experience
It is often said that you learn from your experience, which is true as long as you take the time to reflect on the experience.
After an incident, grab a journal and write about what happened. Then, ask yourself a few questions to gain more insight.
Some questions to ask may be:
What did I learn about myself?
What did I learn about the other person?
Am I willing to make a change to be better prepared to handle a similar situation in the future? (This may sound like a silly question, but unless you are willing to build a new or stronger skillset around becoming comfortable in conflict, all the reflection in the world will not change anything.)
Once I decide to make a change, what skills will I need to develop?
Do I know someone who can help me? (Usually, someone who is a professional in this type of work is your best choice, but if you have a supportive friend or significant other who has experience dealing with skill-building exercises, that is an option as well.)
Step four: Memorize the following C.S. Lewis quote below
“You can’t go back and change the beginning, but you can start where you are and change the ending.”
The quote makes a critical point: There is nothing you can do about the past. Change starts in the present.
Building a new pattern when faced with difficult situations takes focused attention and lots of practice. The key is to remain persistent and to get some help if help is what you need.
As you practice, occasionally, you will fall back into an old pattern. That’s okay. Noticing that you fell back is a huge step in the right direction!
If you would like to discuss your thoughts on this article or if you have any questions, please feel free to contact me at christina@christinabeauchemin.com or reach out to me on my website. I love meeting people who are ready for big change.
Christina Beauchemin, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
Christina Beauchemin, an honorary research fellow of the NOTE Research group, works tirelessly to champion transformation. Beauchemin developed tools for rewiring neural brain patterns to overcome the detrimental impact of childhood trauma. Her book, Let My Legacy Be Love, A Shortcut to Self-Loving (Woodhall Press 2021), provides examples of the power of curiosity and the life-changing opportunity of a new perspective. Beauchemin is the founder and creator of the Get R.E.A.L path to thriving. Her mission: To inspire, encourage, and support individual and group transformation.
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