Written by: Vivien Hudson, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
Communication is something all of us do every day. Once you reach a certain age, you might assume you’re pretty good at it right? Effective communication is not always easy and it’s a skill that requires ongoing practice and improvement. Communication (or lack thereof) is often the root cause of our frustrations, both in work and family life.
Communication is something that happens continuously throughout our day and includes the self-talk that goes on in our own minds, as well as the conversations we have with others. When we communicate well, we improve our self-awareness and the quality of our relationships.
Effective communication allows us to assert our boundaries, express our needs, and connect with ourselves and others. However, when communication breakdowns occur, we may be tempted to blame others, become upset or angry, or speak about others in a condescending manner.
You know you have done this, maybe even as recently as today.
By focusing on improving our communication skills, we can learn to navigate our relationship challenges. Here are four questions to ask ourselves that can improve communication both at work and at home.
Did I clearly communicate?
A participant in one of the classes I recently ran said it best: ‘soon is not a time frame, and few is not a number.’ It is easy for the giver of the information to know what they mean, but the recipient has a lot of poetic license in their interpretation. Does your soon line up with their soon?
I have been guilty of not clearly communicating. This can include lacking specifics around expectations of when work or projects will be delivered, not asking enough questions to better understand what others want of me, or not defining what a clean bathroom looks like when it is time for my kids to clean their bathroom.
Assumptions are often the medium of where clear communication breaks down. When you are communicating with others, what are you assuming and where could some clarity of expectations or needs be shared. Is their here, your here, or their there, your there? Did you set a clear boundary? Do they have the information they need, and can they safely get support if they get stuck?
Sidenote: this is important marital advice as we often expect our partners to know what it is we need or expect and then get annoyed when they seem oblivious.
What is it I really want or need?
Gaining clarity on what our needs are is a good first step before you open your mouth. In the workplace this can include a conversation with peers or team members to align on what the common goals are and what must be achieved. Teams often breakdown when individuals seek to fulfill their own agenda rather than considering what the team and the organization needs are. A question I often asked myself in my own business was ‘What is the best thing for the business?’ That question gifted me greater clarity on what needed to be done and was also a useful question I could ask when aligning my team.
For managers performing one on ones, ask your direct reports – ‘what is it you really want or need and how do you see this working for the business?’ They will appreciate this question and it can help them think about what they can achieve, and what is truly possible.
What question can I ask?
Questions are a brilliant way to get ourselves and others to think differently. Questions can help people problem-solve for themselves by verbalizing their thoughts. When you speak things out loud with a good listener as a sounding board, it is amazing what challenges can be overcome. Solutions can piece themselves together as you speak them into existence and help get all those thoughts into your head out.
The quality of our questions will also come from what mindset we frame them. Questions can easily become a witch hunt for who is responsible if you want to take a judgement point of view. This is never helpful in building relationships with yourself or others. Instead, a solution or learner focus is where we look for underlying causes or assumptions and how they can be remedied. Curiosity is the best quality to use here. A great book by Marilee Adams ‘Change Your Questions, Change Your Life’ is the perfect read to get better at this.
Am I approaching this in a positive or negative light?
If being curious is a challenge and you have been too hardwired to look at things from the voice of judgment, ask yourself what are you really looking for? Are you looking for someone to blame or shame (this could include yourself – remember self-talk is something you do all day) OR are you looking for a way to make things better, an opportunity for you or others to learn and improve?
Effective communication is an essential skill in both personal and professional settings. By using the four questions in this blog post you can build stronger relationships, become better connected to those around you, and resolve conflict. With a little effort and practice, these questions will come to you easily and help you navigate a wide range of situations and relationships more effectively. You will reap the rewards in both your personal and professional life.
Vivien Hudson, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
Vivien Hudson is a reformed pharmacist who went through her own journey of discovery when she trained as a life coach, moved hemispheres, and achieved her Masters in Business Adversity. This training enlightened her to how much change we can affect in our lives by understanding stress, the stories we tell ourselves, and how we show up in our bodies. Self-awareness, finding purpose, and living authentically are at the heart of effective change and leadership. Vivien combines her experience in health and wellbeing, business ownership, and the challenges she has faced in her own life to bring depth and diversity to her work She is trained as a life and performance ontological coach, brain fitness practitioner, on purpose presenter, speaker, and corporate trainer. Her purpose is instilling courage to help those she touches live a life well-lived.
