Written by: Catherine Cabrera, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
Relationships are hard – no matter if it’s familial, platonic, or romantic, every healthy relationship requires effort, time, and work from each person. With that said, two major elements that create and foster healthy and lasting relationships are simultaneously what can elicit a great deal of fear, especially for those living with anxiety: authenticity and vulnerability
Authenticity
Before we dive in, it’s important to take a minute to really think about what authenticity really is. To be authentic is to be genuine, or in reference to mental health, for your words, actions, and decisions to be in alignment with your values, beliefs, and morals. When you make decisions or communicate in ways that are not in alignment with your true self, your body will tell you. It can show up as shame, guilt, anxiety, tension, nausea, headaches, etc. On the other hand, when you make decisions or behave in alignment with your true self, there’s a lightness and acceptance to it, even if the outcome isn’t what you wanted.
In relationships, being authentic and genuine fosters the connection between two people, even down an energetic level. Have you ever been around someone and immediately had a feeling toward them? That’s the energy you feel from them – our bodies are perceptive and intuitive, and with practice, making you able to feel when someone is being authentic and genuine. When a potential friend or romantic partner can feel your authenticity, they are more likely to feel safer, more comfortable, and more trusting of you, helping the relationship develop.
Vulnerability
Vulnerability is perceived in a variety of ways. By definition, to be vulnerable is to be susceptible to physical or emotional harm, which is true in the realm of relationships as well; however, that’s not all there is to it. People are wired to protect themselves, especially when they’ve experienced trauma or mental health challenges that have resulted in their vulnerability being exploited.
In healthy relationships; however, vulnerability is an asset and a strength. Brené Brown, a well-known professor, writer, and researcher has described vulnerability as “uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure”, but also describes it as the “birthplace of courage, creation, innovation, and change” in her TedTalk and book with the same name, The Power of Vulnerability.
To be vulnerable with another person can be very difficult and takes a great deal of courage; however, when practicing vulnerability with someone you feel safe with, it builds trust, connection, intimacy, and demonstrates the welcoming of vulnerability in the future. Over time, practicing vulnerability will become less intimidating and uncomfortable, similar to the process of building a muscle.
What role does anxiety play?
Now for the reason you’re probably here – what role does anxiety play in practicing authenticity and vulnerability? The answer to this question can be different for each person, but there are common themes that can be generalized.
People-pleasing
People-pleasing, as the name explains, is the tendency to do and say what will appease others, even at the expense of your own mental health and needs. In practice, people-pleasing doesn’t seem like such a negative thing, right? You make others feel good by providing for them, helping and supporting them in a variety of ways. But the real question is: at what expense, and how are relationships impacted by people-pleasing?
People who fall into this cycle of behavior tend to morph or ‘shapeshift’ into whoever the other person(s) need or want them to be, leaving them feeling as though their true self isn’t good enough – they’re invisible in even the most crowded room. Considering what has been discussed previously, these feelings can lead to hiding of the authentic and genuine self, lessening the chances you will feel comfortable being vulnerable.
Will they like the real me? Will they judge me? What if they decide to leave me? These are common thoughts that can occur in these dynamics – your partner or friends have gotten to know the version of you that you tailored for them specifically, creating a one-sided barrier in the relationship. They think they know you, but in actuality, they don’t, and you’re in a state of fear of being ‘found out’.
Perfectionism
Many conversations have been had regarding the impact of grading systems and standardized testing in schools on rates of perfectionistic thinking, but what is perfectionism? Perfectionism is basically the belief that anything short of perfect is unacceptable, and for some, anything short of perfect is a failure.
How does this belief impact authenticity and vulnerability, and thus, relationships? With school, ‘perfection’ is measured by tangible or concrete things, getting 100% on an exam, but in the world outside of school, what is ‘perfect’ is extremely subjective. It’s dependent on a person’s priorities, thought process, value system, experiences, preferences, etc. So think about it – you have two people in a relationship, with their own sets of experiences and ways of thinking. What is perfect to one person, may not be to the other. For people who experience perfectionistic thinking, it’s very difficult to accept the idea that they are worthy of a loving relationship as an imperfect person, often resulting in them trying to be perfect in the ways they think their partner wants them to be.
Sound familiar? It can turn into a form of people-pleasing with the desire of being perfect – of earning that person’s love and affection – at the expense of allowing your partner to experience the authentic, imperfect you.
Fear of rejection/judgment
The fear of rejection or judgment can be debilitating. You don’t want to do or say the ‘wrong’ thing out of fear of how the other person might respond. You fear being judged for your opinions, interests, experiences, really anything there is to know about you, and you fear being rejected for those things because rejection is painful. But, where there is fear of judgment and rejection, is a person masking and diluting themselves to fit what they think other people want or expect of them, with a growing sense of self-abandonment and identity challenges.
These can lead to difficulty accepting yourself for who you are and living in fear of being authentic and vulnerable with the people around you. This often results in feeling a disconnect and/or a mental or emotional wall that doesn’t allow people to get close to you, even if you want that connection, out of fear of abandonment or rejection (Let me push them away/keep them at a distance so they can’t get close enough to hurt me).
Resentment
Looking at the points already discussed, it’s common for people who have experienced these
dynamics to find themselves feeling some resentment toward their partner, friends, and/or family.
The underlying emotions can differ depending on the dynamics themselves, but some common ones include: jealousy, anger, invalidated, fear, pain, etc.
Why? Again, that depends. Feeling as though you have to change yourself for others, to be who you think they want you to be, to avoid what feelings ‘inevitable’, and losing yourself in the process are statements and beliefs frequently uncovered through the therapy experience. It’s a natural response to the circumstances that can further fracture the relationship if not worked through, but to do so, authenticity and vulnerability are required, which can restart the cycle.
What do I do with this?
Now that the pattern has been highlighted, it’s safe to say anxiety can impact a person’s willingness or ability to show up authentically and be vulnerable with others, but what do you do with this information?
If this is you or someone you know, it’s important to practice compassion and understanding. Many people don’t even realize they’re engaging in these behaviors because it’s part of their subconscious mind and focused on self-preservation.
It’s also imperative, if changing these patterns is the goal for you or the person you care about, to practice being vulnerable and authentic with yourself and people you trust. This can be through journaling, engaging in activities you genuinely enjoy, spending your time how you want to spend it, share more about yourself with the people you trust, etc. Building that sense of self and comfort with yourself will help you feel more confident with your authentic self.
As you build your confidence and sense of self, you’ll gradually find yourself experiencing less anxiety and fear for how others might perceive you. Now, in the name of transparency, speaking your mind and showing up authentically can and will result in some people walking away or judging you. Does it hurt? Absolutely! But, this allows room in your life for the people who genuinely love and care for the real you, not just their idea of you. No masking, hiding, or fear.
Conclusion
Just because you experience anxiety, does not mean you struggle with showing up authentically or being vulnerable, and it may not impact your relationships; however, for a lot of people, it does. Anxiety is rooted in fear and self-preservation tactics and can go into overdrive depending on your personal experiences, but you don’t have to keep living this way. It’s possible for you to show up authentically and be vulnerable without it blowing up in your face, and it’s possible for you to allow others the opportunity to get to know you without pushing them away.
As Brené Brown said in her book Daring Greatly, “connection requires vulnerability and the courage to be authentic and genuine”, highlighting the importance of authenticity and vulnerability in the foundation of building connection and relationships.
Catherine Cabrera, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
Catherine Cabrera is a therapist who specializes in treating anxiety, eating disorders, obsessive thinking, and related mental health challenges. After years of living with anxiety and feeling like there was no hope for change, Cabrera explored the underlying purpose of emotions and their interaction with thoughts and behaviors. She has since been passionate about helping others better understand their emotions and use compassion to build a more positive relationship with their thoughts and feelings. She is the owner and founder of Inner Strength Counseling, providing professional mental health care in Virginia.
