Monique Newton is a Yoga Therapist, C-IAYT, Mind-Body Coach, and Conflict Coach. As a trauma-informed somatic practitioner, Monique works with the embodiment of our individual and collective lived experience.
Interpersonal conflict is a normal part of being human, but we can easily forget this when we are in the throes of a conflictual situation or a challenging conversation. Our energy goes toward our experience of the conflict and the impact it is having on us, our body, and our life.
Conflict can be generative. We can learn from conflict, and it can help us grow and mature. Conflict can lead to transformation in how we understand ourselves and our relationships, whether they are family, work, friend, or partner relationships.
I believe practices that support our well-being in conflict also support the transformation of conflict. When we practice in ways that support our well-being, we are in a stronger and more resilient place to allow our experience of conflict to become generative.
1. Practice allowing complex and contradictory feelings
Sometimes we are taught to say, “Even though I have anger, sadness, or grief, I can also have compassion for myself.” When this happens, it is as though feeling so-called "negative" emotions such as anger or grief and having self-compassion are mutually exclusive.
When we experience interpersonal conflict, we often have a range of emotions and feelings about the situation. Instead of trying to cover up one way of feeling with an inauthentic one, we can practice holding and acknowledging multiple truths.
There will always be someone ready to advise us to get rid of our negative emotions! Sometimes we are socialized to hide these feelings before we have even had a chance to fully understand or learn from them.
2. Practice humility
Humility can contribute a lot toward transforming a conflict situation. It creates space to step outside the idea that someone is going to win and someone is going to lose. Instead, we might ask: How can I contribute to the possibility that we both learn something valuable?
Here is an example: In recent months, my husband and I had an ongoing conflict about an issue that meant a lot to both of us. In one of our difficult moments, I said to myself, Okay, this time I will really listen; I don’t need to win this. I listened. I wrote down the six phrases my husband used to describe how he was feeling. I sat and looked at the words on the paper and slowly allowed myself to reflect on the depth of what he was sharing with me.
This moment of listening and reflecting, without being on the defensive or needing to be right, contributed to my capacity to transform our conflict.
3. Practice attuning to your embodiment
When we can attune to what is going on in our body during an interpersonal conflict, it can help us come back to what is important in the present moment.
I once received a beautiful and very practical teaching about attuning to our own embodiment from an Indigenous Elder. In a moment when I was distracted from my work by witnessing the injustice and impacts of colonialism, the Elder gave me a practice:
"I would like you to go out to the wildflower garden beyond the grass, take off your shoes, walk in the grass and the flowers, breathe, see and feel the land, and then come back when you are ready."
The teaching that the Elder offered showed me the value of pausing to reconnect with the space and context I was in, and to return to my purpose that day, which was to be present, kind, and to listen.
Self-care nourishes transformation
I think of self-care as being about our internal, felt, and experienced understanding of what we need to support transformation. We engage in practice to support our capacity to build and create this understanding. Self-care requires us to be willing to grow our self-awareness through self-reflection.
Here are some practices that can nourish our well-being and support our capacity to transform interpersonal conflict through skillful responsiveness rather than reactions.
Set a personal intention before a difficult conversation
Examples:
I give myself permission to slow down. I will take an inhale before I speak and allow my exhale to be slow.
I notice my contributions and acknowledge them to myself.
I support the dignity of the other person or group.
I remain curious.
Reconnect with a short orienting practice
This practice can help us center and ground:
Whether sitting or standing, feel your feet on the floor or directly on the Earth.
Bring your hands somewhere along your torso (heart, ribs, or lower abdomen).
Begin by bringing your awareness to the sounds, smells, temperature, and colors around you. Take a few moments here, just noticing.
Next, with eyes closed or with a soft gaze, bring your attention to your body. You may notice skin temperature, a sense of movement, the support of the chair on your back, or the support of the floor under your feet.
Then, bring your awareness to your breath, just noticing it without changing it.
Bring your awareness to your internal felt sense in this moment without changing it, awareness for awareness’s sake.
Slowly allow your senses to reconnect with the space around you.
Pause and reflect on how you are showing up
You might ask yourself some questions:
What am I learning from this interpersonal conflict?
Where do I feel challenged? Do I need to win?
Do I feel safe? Do I need support to continue this conversation?
How can I honour my own and the other person’s dignity?
Breathe
A grounding breath pattern is:
4-1-6 (inhale for 4 counts, hold for 1 count, exhale for 6 counts).
There is no magic trick for instant conflict transformation. This article explores three ways we can actively make our interpersonal conflict generative. It also offers practices to support our self-care, impacting how we show up, look after ourselves, and respect the dignity of the other person.
Read more from Monique Newton
Monique Newton, Yoga Therapist-C-IAYT, Mind-Body Conflict Coach
Monique Newton is a Yoga Therapist, C-IAYT, Mind-Body Coach, and Conflict Coach. Monique believes in the generative power of somatic awareness for social justice, conflict resolution, and personal transformation. She has dedicated her own healing journey to becoming more self-aware, decolonizing her presence and body, and living with humility.
Monique supports individuals and teams with intrapersonal and interpersonal conflict and working through change. In providing services and support, Monique focuses on trauma-informed approaches and emotional and mental well-being.
