Written by: Alexandra Stockwell, MD, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
Any great relationship includes three elements: you, your partner, and the relationship you share. All three need your attention in order to experience joy, pleasure, and ever-evolving intimacy and passion. You can try to spice up your relationship by buying flowers and wearing fabulous lingerie. However, any improvement will only be short-lived.
The most effective (and lasting) ways to spice up your relationship are to tend to your own needs, be generous and responsive towards your partner, and deepen the emotional connection between the two of you.
When you do those things, everything becomes more fun, more flirtatious, and more spicy – try it!
If you like what you read below, keep in mind that I created a full guide which gives you 9 Ways to Spice Up Your Relationship too! You can DOWNLOAD THE FULL GUIDE HERE
Spice Up Your Relationship By Focusing On Yourself
Take some time to identify what you want and clearly communicate it
If you don’t know what you want in your relationship – you can be sure you won’t get it.
But if you do know, there is a good chance you can create it.
These conversations have to happen, and they have to happen often because desires change over time and it’s important to keep one another up-to-date. What delighted you 5 years ago may no longer be as appealing to you, and your partner needs to know that.
Sometimes these conversations are fun and enjoyable. Sometimes, they are difficult and require patience from both partners. Either way, with time, they will become far more straightforward and you’ll even look forward to them. After all, your desires are real, so don’t compromise on them.
A truly intimate marriage is nurtured with self-awareness, as well as the ability to speak about what is working and what is not working and how you create an opportunity for improvement. And it all begins with you.
Spice Up Your Relationship By Focusing On Your Partner
Identify your partner’s love language
Which of the following statements best describes your partner?
They feel loved when you clean the house, make dinner, or make the bed.
They feel loved when you hold hands, cuddle, or are physically intimate.
They feel loved when buying and receiving physical tokens of affection, flowers, playlists and the like.
They feel loved when you tell them how much you appreciate who they are and how they show up in your relationship.
They feel loved by simply sitting down and sharing a meal with you, or binge watching the latest Netflix hit together.
Perhaps you read these statements and know right away which one best represents your partner’s experience, or, you may not be so sure.
Each of these questions correlates with a love language.
Acts of Service
Physical Touch
Gift Giving/Receiving
Words of Affirmation
Quality Time
Now, if you don’t know your partner's love language, you are about to have a lot of fun. You can discover it by really paying attention to their responses. Maybe you do something from every one of the statements above and see which one brings a smile and is most meaningful to your partner. Or, just go ahead and ask them! It’s a perfectly reasonable and affectionate question to ask.
However, you get there, once you identify your partner’s love language, express yourself accordingly. Let the love you feel be translated into the language that will touch their heart.
Doing so shouldn’t feel like work or be overwhelming-just do something small in their love language, small enough to be no big deal to you because that is enough to communicate your caring. If this is new for you, expressing love in your partner’s love language goes very far in nurturing your connection!
To hear more about my take on the 5 Love Languages, listen to this episode of The Intimate Marriage Podcast
Spice Up Your Relationship By Focusing On Your Relationship
Create sensual experiences for one another
Your relationship has many facets–a big factor of your emotional intimacy is reflected in your physical intimacy.
Just as I suggested you figure out your own desires, you also get to discover what brings your partner pleasure. Have a discussion where you each share one thing (or more) that you’d enjoy experiencing in the realm of sensual intimacy. If you are both on board about whatever you’ve shared with one another, then go ahead and do it together!
A fun way to spice things up, building on this idea, is to take turns being the one creating the experience, thus allowing the other one to relax into receiving. In other words, take turns being the one in charge.
This will provide an opportunity for one of you to be creative, while the other one gets to receive and be surprised. There’s so much fun in spontaneity, and you are likely to discover new ways to touch and be touched that continue to inspire more passion.
Make sure to share your favorite parts of the experience with one another so you know what to expand on the next time!
Being this intentional with your sensual intimacy can be very confronting at first, especially during the planning of it. But once you get the hang of it, it will become the highlight of your week!
Feeling inspired to spice things up? I invite you to learn more ways to create delicious experiences with The 9 Ways To Spice Up Your Relationship. Download my guide HERE
I want more emotional intimacy for all couples, including you. I will help you create the deliciousness & joy of a growth-oriented, passionate relationship.
In the meantime, if you want to know more about how to stoke the passion in your relationship, read my book Uncompromising Intimacy.
Or learn more about Intimacy Coaching in long term relationships here.
Alexandra Stockwell, MD, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
Known as “The Intimacy Doctor,” Dr. Alexandra Stockwell is an Intimate Marriage Expert who specializes in coaching couples to build beautiful, long-lasting, passionate relationships.
For over 20 years Dr. Alexandra has shown men and women how to bring pleasure and purpose into all aspects of life, from the daily grind of running a household to intimate communication and ecstatic experiences in the bedroom.
A wife of twenty-six years and a mother of four, Alexandra firmly believes the key to passion and fulfillment isn’t compromise ‒ it’s being unwilling to compromise. When both partners feel free to be themselves, their relationship becomes juicy, nourishing, and deeply satisfying.
Dr. Alexandra is the bestselling author of “Uncompromising Intimacy” and host of The Intimate Marriage Podcast.
