Written by: Gary Napier, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
Why do we leave things to the last minute, before responding?
You may have heard of a ‘shot-gun’ wedding? Well, what about ‘shot-gun’ counselling! The name came to me one day when I was talking with a colleague of mine. We were discussing why men, in particular, don’t come forward for counselling, despite the desperate pleas from their partners, who are normally at their wits' end, and ready to ‘throw in the towel’ with their relationship.
The woman (in most cases), urges their partner to seek help, but through sheer frustration at the lack of commitment and response from her spouse, she ends up pulling out the ‘ace card’ with a big ultimatum on it; ‘if you don’t get yourself sorted, I'm out of here!’
I have had many phone calls from men, who during the consultation, it transpires that they are seeking help because either their partner has left or is about to leave the relationship. In their desperation, they phone me and are genuinely shocked at the finality of it all. So how do they find themselves in this position?
The majority of men find talking about their feelings difficult because they have grown up with the male narrative, which says to be a strong and tough man, you need to remain distant and unemotional. The expression ‘big boys don’t cry’ comes to mind and I can remember my own father reprimanding me over this. As a boy, it was not ‘manly’ to discuss feelings with others, and even discouraged, seeing that side of things, was the woman’s domain.
Women, on the other hand, are expected to be emotional and in touch with their feelings. In society, however, this is perceived as a weakness, especially in the workplace, where women have historically had to ditch their sensitive side, only to develop more masculine characteristics, in order to present themselves as ‘professional’. On the other hand, it would be considered abnormal and even frowned upon, for a woman to appear unemotional within the confines of a home.
Back to relationships; relationships at their core, are emotional. We attach ourselves to each other, whether it is a life partner, children, friends or even work colleagues. When relationships break down, we can still feel the emotion. Why? Because we are designed to form close connections with one another, and even when we physically detach ourselves from a relationship, the emotional attachment can still remain, for a long time afterward. We see this in couples who have had a negative breakup and the weapons they use against each other, during divorce settlements.
So, the question still remains; why does it take a breakup or threat of a breakup, to get a man into action? My good friend and relationship specialist, Nick Thiel, talked this through in one of my videos. Nick states: “Men are hesitant to ask for help; most guys I speak to are embarrassed to be on a call, having to talk about their relationship, because we don’t like to admit that we can’t fix things and here we are having to ask someone for help. It doesn’t fit the male ego.”
So how can couples bridge the ‘gap’, before the relationship is at its endpoint? Here are 3 ways to help prevent a relationship breakdown:
Timing: Timing is very important in relationships. They are incredibly complex and both partners will want their needs met at different times. It is important for women to understand that men think more in compartments. Even if an issue is very important, the male mind will push the item to the back of the queue, if a more pressing matter is at hand. For example, if he is at work and has a deadline to meet, his brain will be solely focused on that. So think about when a good time to talk would be.
Time-out: I know it is cliché but date nights really do work. It is a time when the couple can be a couple again, without any of the everyday distractions appearing. Life is full of decision-making and having a few hours off, whereby you both take time to get to know each other again and remind yourselves what you loved about your partner. It doesn’t have to mean that you go out, you could turn off your mobiles and make a meal together.
Time-in: This is a dedicated time where you have a relationship meeting. You block out an amount of time each week, where you are able to speak about the everyday issues that you both face, whether it is working out who will pick up the kids from certain places, what bills are coming out of the bank account, to what you plan to do over the weekend. All these ‘small’ things tend to creep in and spoil the spontaneity of the relationship, but if you mindfully allocate time for these matters, you will find that the pleasure will not be cut short.
So in summary, don’t leave your relationship to work itself out. Problems don’t normally do that, they often start off small and compound as they go. Don’t wait until your partner has a gun to your head and is threatening to walk out. Tackle it now.
Finally, have those hard conversations but also make time for the relationship and each other and you may find your best teammate again. Life is all about balance, and that goes for relationships too!
If you would like to get in contact, please email me: gnapier@thegapcounselling.com
Gary Napier, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
As an Accredited Counsellor and Qualified Life Coach, Gary Napier’s, main passion in life is to bring freedom to others. His role as a counselor is to come alongside people and help them overcome their ‘pain,’ so they may have a ‘hope’ and ‘purpose’ for their life. Gary’s counseling sessions offer a ‘safe’ space, whereby clients feel comfortable to share openly without any fear of feeling judged, criticized, or ashamed. His non-judgmental attitude, natural warmth, and empathetic listening skills make Gary one of the top counselors to work with. He specializes in couple counseling, anxiety, anger management, and self-esteem. The Gap Counselling has seen a substantial increase in demand, especially over the last two years, during the pandemic.
“People are really struggling. They often come just to be heard. It is an enormously powerful thing to be listened to” ‒ Gary Napier
