Written by Emily Lacy, Sex and Relationship Therapist
Emily Lacy is the owner and founder of Aligning Intimacy Therapy where she practices as a Sex and Relationship Therapist. She specializes in sexual trauma, genito-pelvic pain, and low libido and holds a passion for appropriate and accessible sexual education.
What is the orgasm gap? The orgasm gap is pretty well explained by its name and is used to label the phenomenon in which men and women experience pleasure during sexual interactions. Even more specifically, the rate at which men and women report the frequency of orgasm is vastly different. Keeping in mind that awareness of this phenomenon in the professional arena didn’t truly begin until the mid-1950s and 1960s with William Masters and Virginia Johnson’s exploration of the sexual response cycle, the label of “orgasm gap” didn’t come into use until 1990. This term came in response to evidence describing the discrepancy between males and females experiencing orgasm during partnered sex.
On average, men report orgasms during partnered sex at a rate of 92% and women at a rate of 22%, according to a 2022 Statista report. This is a huge discrepancy, and many are now asking why it is happening and how do we fix it. Many experts and authors, such as Laurie Mintz, Katherine Rowland, and Karen Gurney, among many others, have been speaking out and offering awareness, insights, and practical solutions to increase pleasure and bridge the gap.
What does the research say?
With the growing awareness and discussion surrounding the orgasm gap phenomenon, critical evidence is continuing to grow through published research across a variety of sources. According to a study published by Psychology of Women Quarterly in 2022, a mere two years ago, the differences in how male-identifying and female-identifying individuals experience orgasms were reported as significant. On average, male-identifying individuals experience orgasm more frequently with familiar and unfamiliar partners. While it is common for women to experience orgasm more regularly during masturbation or with another female partner, it is still reported at significantly lower rates than those reported by men.
An even more recent study published in 2024 exploring orgasm experiences across the lifespan reported that males’ rate of orgasm ranged from 70%-85% while women’s ranged from 46%-58%. On average, regardless of age, men still reported much more frequent orgasms than women, particularly when referencing penetrative sexual intercourse. Hypotheses support that these differences result from a lack of appropriate comprehensive sex education and a lack of communication about pleasure between partners.
3 methods to bridge the orgasm gap
Education
The lack of thorough sex education has had intense impacts on the experience, or lack thereof, of pleasure during sexual interactions for a vast amount of people. So many have no idea what sexual pleasure feels like for them or the potential of what it could be, let alone how to create it for themselves and with a partner. This is why there is no better place to start bridging the gap in pleasure than through appropriate, up-to-date, accurate education. It is not recommended to dive straight into a deep-dive Google search, mainly because there is as much harmful information out there as helpful, unfortunately.
Anatomy & physiology
First, let’s differentiate the definition of arousal from that of desire. Although these terms are commonly used interchangeably, they are not the same thing. Arousal is the physiological reaction of the body in response to a stimulus, for example, the production of lubrication, an erection of the penis, tingling and sensitive breasts, etc. Arousal is a physical response and can be present with or without desire. On the other hand, desire references how our brain is responding or letting us know we want to engage in a sexual activity or pleasure. This is the “I want to have sex.”
Desire and arousal can certainly occur together and regularly do. However, arousal nonconcordance is undoubtedly not uncommon or even unhealthy. Arousal non concordance describes experiences where arousal and desire are present independently of one another, which can raise confusion for many individuals unfamiliar with the phenomenon. This frequently presents as a lack of lubrication when the desire for penetration is present, or an erection just isn't happening, no matter how much someone wants it to. It is important to note that this experience is not used to explain sexual dysfunctions such as erectile dysfunction or medical conditions like endometriosis, menopause, polycystic ovarian syndrome, etc. If arousal is regularly absent, please consult with a trusted medical professional to explore any underlying causes.
A critical detail in increasing arousal and pleasure for female-identifying partners is to understand that more women need external stimulation to achieve an orgasm than those who can orgasm from penetration alone. Yes, the word need is used here because that’s precisely what it is. It is entirely normal and healthy to require external stimulation in some form to find your way to an orgasm. Read that again. Well over 80% of women report an inability to reach orgasm from penetration alone. The most common way to incorporate some additional stimulation is to include the clitoris. The clitoris is a part of the female anatomy, located toward the front of the vulva above the vaginal opening and urethral opening. Check out The Vulva Gallery for some fun diagrams and education about anatomy. Fun fact: the tip of the clitoris contains over 8,000 nerve endings, while the head of the penis contains around 4,000 nerve endings.
Societal messaging
So why aren’t we exploring this pleasure center more? Well, it’s both a straightforward and yet incredibly complex answer. Culture, shame-based messaging, trauma, the patriarchy, and societal expectations are some of the significant influences. However, they are certainly not the only players in the game. If we’ve been taught that our needs are not important from a young age, that pattern is likely to show up in our intimate relationships and sex as well. Social messaging has, by and large, expressed the idea that a female’s sexual needs come second to those of a male. For example, it is generally more socially acceptable for a male to masturbate than a female. It is viewed as something necessary for males but not for females. This is interesting since vibrators account for 65% of all sex toy sales, and toys designed for female genitalia completely dominate the sex toy market.
Furthermore, women have long been considered responsible for managing the “unavoidable” yet natural desires of men and refraining from sexual activity before marriage. Yet, after marriage, the expectation suddenly shifts to being a regularly available and active sexual partner that meets most, if not all, erotic needs of their partner. It seems a bit extreme to believe that our brain and body operate on that instant demand like a light switch. Understandably, it takes some significant time to pivot, unlearn, and create a new sexual self, not to mention attempting to embrace the vulnerable experience of sharing the self with another person.
We also have to address the horrendous and completely unrealistic expectations that are placed on the female body. If you really take the time to think about it, there is no way to ever feel secure if we are constantly comparing our bodies to other.
Exploration
As you might already know, with new knowledge comes the opportunity for new power. In this case, we will call it empowerment. It is an empowerment to explore our body and the pleasure it is capable of. The first way to do this is self-pleasure. Yes, this article is absolutely recommending experimentation with masturbation. How are we expected to ask for what we want when we don’t even know what to ask for? Masturbation is one method to try different ways to create desire, manifest arousal, and reach an orgasm. Get the vibrator and lube, and schedule some dates with yourself! Although, it is recommended to make sure you are getting a safe device which you can read more about in this blog about sex toy safety.
There are also some techniques to help yourself get started! Everyone has, is having, or will have a sexual fantasy at some point in their life, and usually, we have quite a few different fantasies as we change and evolve as a person. This is a good thing! We may have been taught that sexual fantasy is something to feel embarrassed about or taboo to embrace, but that’s simply not true. Our sexual fantasies can be a great tool to use to create arousal and desire that can lead to pleasure. You would be surprised how many others are likely fantasizing about similar things. Just because whatever it is you’re fantasizing about may sexually excite your brain and body doesn’t mean you want to turn the fantasy into reality. That’s the beauty of it, we don’t have to execute our fantasies to use them as an accelerator for our libido. When we know, with some degree of confidence, what excites or feels good in our body and brain, we can communicate details to our partner that work to enhance pleasure during sexual experiences.
Communication
Imagine what it would be like not to be able to ask for your basic day-to-day needs. You couldn’t ask for ice in your soda, ketchup for your fries, or a spoon with your ice cream. It would be pretty inconvenient and even take a lot of the joy and pleasure out of eating your favorite foods. Well, that’s similar to what it’s like when you feel unable to ask for your needs or desires during sex. Frustrating, tasking, and even disappointing. Much of the information shared in the previous sections also contribute to why you may not feel able to communicate about sex and pleasure, but what can we do about it?
Explore what’s underneath. We all have our own histories with unique experiences and messages about sex, self-worth, and what our role in a relationship is supposed to be. Knowing what those are and if we want to work towards unlearning inhibiting beliefs is a large part of this journey. You also don’t have to do that alone. Therapy is a wonderful place to begin unpacking how we feel about our sexual self and also a good place to practice vulnerable communication. It could be time to start asking ourselves why we don’t feel comfortable discussing sex with our partner and what can be done about it.
Everyone deserves to communicate and should communicate for both the benefit for themselves and their partner. Communication is not just expressing needs but being receptive and actively listening to those of our partner. Vulnerability breeds vulnerability. If we are sharing with a partner, it might further the progression of the conversation and lead to a mutual sharing of experiences and needs. What better way to foster curiosity, intimacy, and a feeling of connectedness than to feel seen, heard, and valued by those closest to us. This is a two-way street with a ton of value traveling both ways.
Interestingly enough, most of us feel more ready to physically engage in sex than verbally communicate about sex. It’s time to interrupt that cycle and create awareness, safety, and avenues of communication first before sharing our bodies with others. This doesn’t mean establishing a relationship or “catching feels” for another, but rather knowing that consent is freely given, boundaries are being respected, and everyone is feeling good.
Where to go from here
Plenty of resources are available, and most are free and easily accessible. Some very popular and very highly recommended books on this topic are Come As You Are and Come Together by Emily Nagoski, Becoming Cliterate by Laurie Mintz, and She Comes First by Ian Kerner. There is no way to compile a comprehensive list here as there are so many more great readings, but these are a good starting point. The Rosy App and OMGYes are rich in resources and information when searching online. And as always, seriously consider finding a trusted support network and mental health professional that can provide space for you to explore, discuss, and continue moving toward confidently seeking and claiming your pleasure.
Read more from Emily Lacy
Emily Lacy, Sex and Relationship Therapist
Emily Lacy is an emerging leader in the research and treatment of female sexual dysfunction, trauma therapy, and sex education. She has personally deconstructed harmful and shame-filled messages surrounding sex and intimacy to create an empowered approach to assist others who wish to do the same. She has since developed a group therapy practice where she and her team work diligently to promote a sex-positive and inclusive environment for all to embrace their journal toward sexual wellness.
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