3 Ways to Bond With Your Twins
- Brainz Magazine
- Apr 10
- 8 min read
Written by Smadar Zmirin, Twin Specialist
Smadar Zmirin is a twin specialist with 15 years of experience and the founder of Twinful Life. With her extensive experience and twin-oriented early childhood education approach, Smadar provides exclusive services for twin families to help parents raise twins with peace and joy.
Bonding is a process that takes time. For twin parents, this can be a bit challenging due to many factors, from birth, hospital stay, and family’s needs. Bonding can take many forms and shapes, and its nature changes depending on each parent and baby’s personality, temperament, and family dynamic. While for some parents, bonding happens immediately after birth, for others, it can be a bit different. Yet there is always time to build a bond with your children, and it can happen at any stage of your life.
For twin parents, bonding can look different for two main reasons:
Each parent has two babies to form a relationship with.
Oftentimes, it’s mother and babies who spend a lot of time together, while the other parent resumes work. Therefore, they tend to miss out on bonding opportunities during the day.
For twin mothers, taking care of two babies at the same time means little time is left for quiet, slow, attentive moments during the day. If a mother is breastfeeding, this too can oftentimes be in tandem, meaning bonding with just one baby isn’t possible during this time.
And yet, every parent can find a way to build a relationship with each baby.
So how can this be done better for twin parents?
3 ways to bond with your twins from the beginning
1. Bonding with twins: Less is more
Following the RIE (recourses for infant educareres) philosophy, when caregivers take a step back and let the child lead their learning and peruse their interests, a wide window of opportunities to connect with the child opens up.
When we try and play for the baby, entertain them, herd them from one activity to the next, there is little time to sit and enjoy what is taking place. We are preoccupied with planning what to do next, where to go, what to set up, what is missing, who is bored, what each child would like to do next, etc.
Caregivers seldom stop to observe how this is adding to their state of being overwhelmed and raising their anxiety and stress levels. Their mind is busy multitasking continuously, and paying attention to their little ones’ play and learning can be somewhat difficult. While raising twins naturally entails multitasking, I would argue that when it comes to spending time with the babies, we can do less and, by that, gain so much more.
Instead of playing and entertaining or babies, let’s take a step back. Babies don’t need much to engage in play and learn; they already find the world fascinating. And better yet, when left to their own devices, they find out what is interesting for them, they pay more attention investigating and exploring what they are curious about, and this extend their attention span.
Why is that important? Because when babies have a long attention span, they will spend more time engaging in one activity rather than exhaust it quickly and seek more entertainment elsewhere. Which means that over time, they will need less to keep busy and will naturally investigate and explore their environment with ease and peace. It is a valuable skill for learning and will allow them to develop their unique ways of learning and theorising.
When we don't interfere with their free play, and allow them time, space and opportunity to follow their interests and invest as much time and attention in the task in front of them, they can surprise us with the level of attentiveness and interests.
Therefore, setting up a few toys on the ground, and simply sitting by your babies and observe their play, instead of playing for them, can be a transforming experience for caregivers.
By simply sitting and letting your babies play:
You are less preoccupied with planning and thinking.
You can observe what your baby is interested in and let them extend their learning in their own time and pace.
You can pay attention to one while the other will be busy doing their own thing, therefore breaking the constant attention division in your mind.
You can learn what each baby likes, which helps us engage with them in a more meaningful and personal way.
This somewhat simple practice can be rather challenging for some adults, as it asks them to slow down, tune in, and be present. Some parents will admit that sitting on the ground and playing with their babies can be hard. Their brains race at incredible speed; they reach for their phone; they want to change the scenery, do more, move around. That is natural and understandable. And yet, just like any muscle, once exercised, it gets easier to do.
So, I invite you to do exactly that. Do less, and let your babies do more. Not only will you give yourself a well-deserved break, but you will also get to enjoy with your babies more, get to know them better, and deepen your bonding with each.
2. Bonding with twins: One-on-one
Not enough can be said about the magic that this simple habit can generate. It is underrated at best and disregarded way too often at worst.
For the twin parents who live in a constant reality of multitasking and attention division, these precious moments can make all the difference for their well-being and foster healthier relationships between them and their twins. I mean parent-child relationships, as well as twin-twin relationships.
The benefits of one-on-one can only be fully realised once you try it out. While experts will talk about spending 20 minutes with each child a day, and they are right, I have found that it can start very small. And indeed, for twin parents, oftentimes needs to start small. It is the intention that makes all the difference. And if you are intentional with your one-on-one, then the benefits will be grand regardless of whether you do it for 5 minutes or 30 minutes. Because, at the end of the day, each family has its dynamic and reality to consider.
So, what exactly is one-on-one time?
As mentioned above, it can be sitting with your twins on the ground. Sitting by one, paying attention to their play, giving them your full attention, and then moving to sit by the other. Paying attention to them, noticing what they are exploring, what skills they are working on at this moment, and acknowledging the process. It can also really help reduce comparisons, as you will see what each child is doing rather than what they are not doing yet.
It can be in the form of:
bathing one baby at a time.
reading a book.
feeding them one at a time.
taking a walk outside with one while the other is with another caregiver/parent.
Setting up two different play areas in the living room or in another place such as the deck or another room (as long as the space is safe, they can be left alone and supervised).
Having another adult present to look after one twin while you are taking care of the other.
Paying attention during diaper change, and taking your time during the process rather than rushing it.
Cuddling on the sofa or doing action songs with just the one twin.
These moments can take anywhere from 1-20 minutes, depending on the day, the mood, and your capacity. As the twins grow, there will be more and more you could do with each. Fostering their hobbies (as mentioned above) means you can engage with each in a meaningful activity that is special to them. What's more, when they know they will have a special moment with you, they will be less jealous. And they will get to know you better, and vice versa.
All which, foster strong bonding between you and each twin.
3. Bonding with twins: Infant massage
I used to think of infant massage as a luxury activity some parents do with their babies. Little did I know about the extended benefits this incredible practice has to offer, particularly to twin parents. Having studied to become an infant massage instructor with the International Association of Infant Massage (IAIM), I can share with you the myriad of benefits that come from the simple act of massaging your baby.
The massage on its own has wonderful qualities to offer your baby’s well-being, development and health from stimulating respiratory, digestive, and cognitive functioning to releasing tension and improving immune systems.
And yet, when it comes to bonding, the levels of oxytocin (love and bonding hormone) that are released during this amazing interaction are bountiful. When you have the time to engage in massage, preferably with one adult per baby, this practice can increase the level on connection between parent and baby to new levels.
Particularly for twin parents who are often torn between two children at once, facilitating opportunities for each parent to engage with each baby in slow, loving, meaningful interaction, such as massage, is invaluable.
As adults, we know that even stretching and yoga exercises can help us tap into unconscious stress, anxiety and pain. Infant massage has the same effect on babies. Slowing down, making eye contact, talking to your baby, caressing and patting their body will increase oxytocin production, release muscle tension, and even help trauma rise to the surface and be released.
Many twin babies spend their first few days, weeks, and at times, months at NICU. This means physical separation for parents, limited touch and skin-to-skin contact. Here, purposefully engaging with infant massage when returning home can help each baby and parent bond. The touch can help both parents and babies access buried stress and anxiety from the hospital stay, from birth trauma (either parents’ or babies’), and from not having the opportunity to be held.
Furthermore, for babies who experience unpleasant touch after birth during their NICU stay (frequent heel pricks, tubes on their faces and or in their body, etc.), infant massage can help build up tolerance for touch and learn what pleasant touch feels like.
The beauty of infant massage is that it doesn’t have to cost anything. It is accessible at home and can provide both parents opportunities to bond with their babies in a most meaningful and unique way. While attending an infant massage class is a wonderful opportunity to learn proven techniques to promote relaxation and even relief of gas, engaging with infant massage at home doesn't have to be done in an instructed way. The sheer act of touching and intentional connection will lay the foundations for relaxation and bonding.
A research form 2023, has showed that maternal-administrated infant massage for pre-term babies benefits mother’s mental health, depressive symptoms, anxiety and stress. In the long term, this benefits both parents and babies' well-being.
Twin parents who wonder how they can possibly find time for massaging their newborn babies, rest assured this need not take much of your time. For newborns, infant massage isn’t a long and elaborated process. In the early days, it can be as simple as holding your baby and tuning into their breath and heartbeat. This mindful embrace is the base for all that is to come next when engaging in massage.
Then, as they grow, slow leg strokes after a bath or during diaper change can begin to familiarise them with loving and nurturing touch, and by that, the practice of infant massage. You can continue these loving bonding moments with your growing twins. It can be integrated into your one-on-one time, as a bedtime routine, and while cuddling and watching a movie on the sofa.
You can read more about the benefits of infant massage in my blog post.
Bonding with one twin at a time
All three tips above can help each parent and caregiver (this is relevant for grandparents and extended family too) build a unique relationship with each twin. Many twin parents experience periods in which they are closer to one twin and then the other. And it is very normal.
Purposefully engaging in bonding activities can help both parents and children build personal relationships that extend past the twinship dynamic and are established on each parent and child's unique connection.
Read more from Smadar Zmirin
Smadar Zmirin, Twin Specialist
Smadar started her twin journey when she got her first job as a twin nanny. Quickly realising the impact adults have on twins’ well-being and emotional development, Smadar felt drawn to advocating for and supporting each child’s unique identity and independence. She established Twinful Life to support twin families raising emotionally healthy twins, and became a twin-oriented early childhood educator.
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