Written by Jen Legaspi, Master Life Coach
Jen Legaspi is a trauma-informed, certified Master Life Coach, author of the book Brave Wise Woman, and yoga teacher. She helps post-divorce women over 40 figure out what comes next, guiding them to create a meaningful new chapter in their lives.
Do you often find yourself giving more than you’re comfortable with—only to feel resentful afterward? You might be people-pleasing. Learn what people pleasing is, how it develops, and why learning to set boundaries is essential for breaking this pattern, feeling more joy, and creating a life you love.
Are you people-pleasing?
On the outside, people pleasers often come across as easy-going, generous, and always ready to lend a hand. They are the ones who will go above and beyond to help you set up for your party, drive to the store for ice when you run out, and stay late to clean up. They enjoy being needed.
Behind their giving nature is a tendency to consistently put others' needs and wants ahead of their own to feel accepted or like they belong. They typically struggle to say no, set boundaries, or turn down requests, even when what’s being asked of them is inconvenient—such as interrupting an important conversation at your party to go buy more ice for you. They care a lot about what others think of them; their self-worth is closely tied to other people’s approval. Their fear of judgment or criticism can lead them to suppress their own needs and desires to avoid conflict.
People-pleasing behavior can look like taking on more tasks than you can handle, suppressing your opinions even when you disagree, or overloading your social calendar to avoid disappointing friends—even when you need downtime.
By the time you notice you are over-giving and need boundaries, you may feel resentful, burned out, and unsure of yourself. You might also find your relationships unfulfilling or toxic.
But I’m a good person
My clients who are working on breaking their people-pleasing patterns often worry about their reputation as a good person. They see their self-identity as tied to being kind, accommodating, and helpful. They may fear that saying no or setting boundaries contradicts this ideal, leading them to feel guilty or like they’re betraying themselves.
But people pleasing and being a good person are two different things. The difference between people pleasing and being a good person lies in motivation. People pleasing is often driven by an unconscious need to manage others' perceptions, aiming to avoid rejection, disapproval, or conflict. The underlying thought is, "If I do X, I'll get (or be seen as) Y," where the focus is on securing approval and safety. This behavior can be seen as manipulative because it involves shaping actions to influence how others view you, rather than acting out of true intention.
In contrast, a truly good person knows they can say no. They choose to help out of genuine desire, not out of fear. Their actions come from a place of authentic intention to contribute and support, not from a need to belong, avoid conflict, or maintain a certain image.
Part of breaking free from people pleasing is understanding this difference and reframing limiting beliefs about what it means to be a good person.
How people pleasing develops
People pleasing often stems from past trauma and can be a reflexive response from our nervous system to avoid conflict and ensure safety, often without conscious awareness. As children, we depend on our caregivers for both survival and for our emotional security. When we experience inconsistent caregiving, harsh criticism, abuse, or neglect during this critical period, we tend to develop survival strategies to cope. For some, this manifests as trying to make our caregivers happy and keeping the peace to ensure safety, acceptance, or love. Over time, especially with those we’re emotionally close to, this pattern repeats, becomes reinforced, and then the behavior becomes automatic, causing us to lose touch with our true selves. In adulthood, it affects how we interact with others and even with ourselves.
Additionally, societal and cultural factors can play a role in adopting this behavior. Many women have been socialized to put others' needs first, adopt nurturing roles, and avoid conflict. This cultural conditioning can lead women to neglect their own needs and desires.
Boundaries are critical for empowerment
Setting boundaries is essential for cultivating self-respect, self-worth, and self-trust. They protect what you value and need for your emotional, mental, and physical well-being. Boundaries aren’t about being mean or rude—and having them doesn’t make you a bad person.
In all interactions and relationships—including with yourself—boundaries prevent over-giving, over-committing, and help you avoid one-sided dynamics. They ensure your needs and limits are respected and your relationships feel balanced.
When you set clear boundaries, you communicate to others “I value and respect myself.” It is a form of self-care and personal empowerment, allowing you to take control of your life and put your well-being first.
What is a boundary?
A boundary is a standard of behavior and a limit you set for yourself and others to protect your well-being and meet your needs. Simply put, it’s your yeses and nos. Boundaries are clear, direct statements about what behavior is unacceptable to you and the actions you will take to uphold your standards and meet your needs. Without aligned action, a boundary is merely a suggestion.
With boundaries, less stress and more joy become possible. They’re key for going after what you want in life, living your true values, and being the woman you desire to be. Otherwise, familiar patterns and habits will keep you stuck.
You can place boundaries around your time and energy, emotions, physical space and body, mental health, or material goods—like money, your car, or clothes.
“I need trust in my friendships, so I will not participate in gossip or spread rumors. I will focus on conversations that support respectful friendships.”
“I need to prioritize my sleep, so I will not use my phone 2 hours before bedtime and go to bed by 10 p.m.”
“I need to honor my exercise goals, so I will not schedule meetings or accept projects during my workout times. I will inform my team and stick to this schedule to keep my health commitments.”
A boundary vs. a request or demand
When I teach my clients with people-pleasing tendencies about setting boundaries, I notice they can sometimes confuse boundaries with requests and demands. So let’s clarify.
Boundaries are about you and actions you will take to meet your needs and protect your well-being, or your vision for your life. They are not based on other people or external circumstances changing. Instead, they clarify how you will honor yourself and your needs despite others’ behavior or external circumstances.
Example: “I need to feel listened to when I share from my heart, so I will only open up to people who can give me their undivided attention.”
Requests are actions you can ask others to take, knowing that they are free to accept or decline. Requests typically leave room for negotiation so both people can get their needs met. Sometimes, making requests of others can be a natural starting point before setting a boundary.
Example: “I need to feel listened to when I share from my heart. Would you be willing to turn your phone off during our conversation?”
Demands (or ultimatums) are about power and control. They are actions you expect another person to take with little-to-no room for negotiation, or they will face your consequences. Demands are not the goal, but you may find yourself in this place when you haven’t been asking for what you need, lack boundaries, and are feeling resentful.
Example: “I need to feel listened to when I share from my heart. If you don’t turn your phone off while I’m talking, I’m never opening up to you again.”
3 ways to start setting your boundaries
1. Identify your limits and needs
Boundaries start with understanding your limits and emotional, mental, and physical needs. Identifying your needs can be challenging if you're used to focusing on others. While it may feel uncomfortable to shift your attention to yourself, it is essential.
Reflect: Make a list of situations where you’ve felt over-committed, overwhelmed, burnt out, resentful, or guilty if you said no. Include times you felt under-appreciated or taken for granted. These are key indicators where clear boundaries could be beneficial.
Example reflection: If you find yourself overwhelmed by a packed social calendar to avoid disappointing friends, note what you sacrificed—perhaps sleep or personal time. This reveals your underlying need.
Write a clear boundary statement to protect your underlying need; for example:
“I will not accept last-minute social invitations and will stick to my sleep schedule to prioritize my well-being.”
2. Start with yourself to build your confidence
While our interactions with others often highlight where we need boundaries, a great first place to start setting boundaries is with yourself.
You can think of setting boundaries with yourself like making small adjustments in your choices and actions to make your life smoother and more balanced. You might ask yourself, “Where could a boundary support me to feel more nourished and at ease?” Here’s an example:
Your phone rings after 10 p.m. Afraid of disappointing your friend, you answer the phone even though it disrupts your sleep routine. Your boundary statement might be, “I need quality sleep, so I will not answer the phone after 10 p.m. I will silence my ringer at 10 p.m.”
Our boundaries are only as effective as our commitment to them. Practice honoring your boundaries consistently and take a moment to acknowledge yourself each time you do.
Notice how it feels in your body when you keep commitments to yourself—what sensations arise? Pay attention to what you feel and where you feel it in the body. This somatic awareness can be positive feedback for you, encouraging you to continue. If you struggle to uphold your boundaries with yourself, it can be even more challenging to do so with others.
3. Tune into your body to set or reinforce boundaries
Modern life has conditioned us to be in our heads, but your body is always communicating to you through sensations. It will signal to you your yeses and nos. When others cross my boundaries, I know it because I feel tightness in my upper chest and throat, and my facial expression freezes. When I cross my own boundary, all of my energy collapses into my chest and I feel shame. Part of learning to set boundaries is building this somatic awareness. It helps you notice when a boundary is needed, or if your boundaries are being tested or crossed, giving you a chance to effectively respond.
Whether you cross your own boundary or others have crossed yours, pause to care for yourself first. You may be triggered and in a fight, flight or freeze nervous system response. Responding from a triggered place often leads to regretful decisions or reactions, or negative self-talk that will undermine your progress. Somatic practices such as breathwork, going for a walk, or shaking your limbs to move the emotional energy can be helpful in calming the nervous system before you decide your next step.
If you’ve crossed your own boundary, be compassionate with yourself. Shame and criticism are not healing energies. You can ask yourself, “What might my best friend say to me right now? What tone of voice would they use?” Then, gently speak those words in that tone to yourself. Use this moment to explore what triggered the boundary breach—for example, was it loneliness, sadness, or FOMO? Once you identify the underlying reason, consider healthier, self-honoring ways to address that emotion moving forward. In my client work, we delve into these aspects more deeply.
If others have crossed your boundary, it's important to reinforce your limits with them. Communicate clearly and directly, but wait until you’re calm. This way, you can express your needs and boundaries in a manner that reflects your true intentions with integrity.
Here’s an example:
“I’ve noticed that our conversations often happen during my work hours, and it’s been affecting my productivity. I value our time together but need to keep my work hours free from interruptions right now. Can we schedule our calls for after 5 p.m. or on weekends instead? I hope you understand how important it is to me to stay focused. Thanks for respecting this!”
Boundaries create freedom
Setting boundaries is key for living a life you love and feel at ease in. For people pleasers, this is a journey of reclamation, rediscovering your true self, and learning to prioritize your needs without guilt. It’s about embracing your worth and creating space for what truly nourishes you.
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Read more from Jen Legaspi
Jen Legaspi, Master Life Coach
Jen Legaspi is a trauma-informed, certified Master Life Coach, author of Brave Wise Woman, and yoga teacher. After her second divorce in her 40s, she faced the inevitable question, ‘What now?’ This led her down a path of healing and self-discovery, including exploring a new life on her own in Mexico for a year and a half and finding healthy romantic love after 50. She now enjoys helping post-divorce women over 40 discover their own answers to that question. Her compassionate guidance creates a soft space for them to land.
