Written by Karlissa Wise, Clinical Social Worker
Dr. Karlissa Wise is a Clinical Social Worker who works with individuals who struggle with anxiety, depression, and life transitions.
Discussions surrounding boundaries can be uncomfortable. People find it to be uncomfortable to talk about boundaries because of the fear that the conversation may lead to confrontation. Not only can the discussion create a feeling of confrontation, but it can also feel awkward. A dream expectation would be to set a boundary, and the listener agrees to respect the boundary. Although this may happen sometimes, the reality is that the dream expectation does not always happen. Often, people are surprised by the feelings, thoughts, or situations that arise after attempting to implement a boundary.
3 things that may occur after you create a boundary
Retaliation
When setting a boundary with a toxic individual, you might experience retaliation. Retaliation is a way a toxic individual tries to regain control after you have expressed your boundaries. Retaliation can look different based on the environment you are in. If you are in a work environment, retaliation can look like isolation. You may notice that you are excluded from important meetings, being passed over for a promotion, or receiving an unfavorable evaluation. Retaliation not only occurs with colleagues but also with friends and family. Retaliation from a family member or friend may also take on the form of isolation. You might be uninvited to events or the last person to know vital information. The purpose of retaliation may even be to change how others view you to prove the treatment you are receiving is just. Experiencing retaliation is not a sign to erase your boundaries. The behavior you are experiencing is a sign to maintain your boundaries and highlights the true character of the people who choose to retaliate.
Aggressive communication
When creating a boundary with a toxic individual, you may experience aggressive forms of communication. Aggressive communication can take on different characteristics. Aggressive communication can look like yelling, bullying, name-calling, or cursing. A person who utilizes aggressive communication after a boundary is created is using this unhealthy strategy to regain control. When a person responds in this way, it may feel overwhelming. However, the behavior should be a reminder that the boundary is needed.
Feeling guilty
Experiencing guilt is a normal feeling that is present when a boundary is created. Feelings of guilt are especially present for people who are people pleasers. This is because a people pleaser is used to making sure everyone else is comfortable or happy, even if it is to their detriment. When people pleasers set boundaries, they may get pushed back because people are not accustomed to the individual saying no. In turn, the person may second guess their decision and feel guilty for speaking up for themselves. If you find that you relate to this, practice saying no and setting boundaries to create a healthy environment for yourself.
Keep in mind that if you are experiencing retaliation, aggressive communication, or feelings of guilt after creating a boundary, it is not a sign that you should let go of your boundaries. Feelings of guilt and having doubts are normal emotions and thoughts that can occur after creating a boundary. Additionally, retaliation and aggressive communication are responses that may arise when setting a boundary with a toxic individual. Process your thoughts and emotions in a healthy way. This can be done in therapy, writing in a journal, or speaking with a friend that you trust. Remember, boundaries are important and needed to maintain a healthy mental state.
Read more from Karlissa Wise
Karlissa Wise, Clinical Social Worker
Dr. Karlissa Wise is a Clinical Social Worker who works with individuals and couples in therapy. Dr. Wise is the founder of Wise Counseling & Consultation, LLC. Wise Counseling & Consultation focuses on providing clients with coping strategies to manage stress and different life challenges. Her goal is to continue helping others in need of mental health services.
