Written by: Javier Peñalba, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
People with avoidant patterns can be great at staying for hours doing things that do not require any type of interaction, but as soon as someone comes in and interrupts them, they can feel disrespected or offended. Learn the reasons for this and how to smoothen this transition so that you can improve your relationships!
A big challenge for people with avoidant patterns is transitioning from being alone to being in the company of others. As they learned from a young age to depend mostly on themselves to fulfill their own needs, they can totally immerse themselves in their own inner world and practically disconnect from their surroundings. They can be great at staying for hours in front of the TV, books, or playing video games, all tasks that do not need any type of interaction. But then, as someone comes in and interrupts them, it can feel as if their little bubble pops up, making them feel irritated and even disrespected or offended. This can increase their fear of commitment and reduce their joy in most relationships. Let’s explore the three main reasons for this and how to work through it:
1. Learn To Manage Your Own Irritation Over Interruptions
I remember my first traits of this as I was a little 4- or 5-year-old child. As I was sitting in bed watching cartoons on a Sunday afternoon, I recall a couple of times when my parents would come in and tell me that it was time to go for a Sunday ride. I would get so mad at them, accusing them of not loving me and disrespecting me, yelling that I wanted to watch my cartoons and be left alone. A couple of times I packed some underwear and a shirt in a bag and left home, although I would just go to the backyard and come back 10 minutes later. As funny and childish as it sounds, that is the same avoidant attitude that I carried over for most of my life, where I get so irritated and angry at being interrupted or in the presence of others when I didn’t feel ready for it.
The main limiting belief here is usually that your own needs are not taken into consideration and, therefore that you are not respected, and that, because of others, you are not able to do what is desired. But is this true? Let’s examine this limiting belief:
My needs are not taken into consideration and therefore I am not respected:
Do others know your needs? Do you express them? What if, perhaps, others simply have their own needs and they don’t know yours or understand how important it is for you to do what you are doing? What would change if you expressed yourself more clearly and calmly? Once you realize that this belief is not necessarily true, change it into something that gives your power back to you while being caring to others. I recommend something like: “I have the power to recognize and express my needs while respecting others” and see how you feel after that. Remember your new phrase every time you are feeling irritated over interruptions. Your irritation was just a result of false thinking!
Another great tip to improve in this area is first to first feel the irritation without reacting to it. This can take some time to master, but it has literally made me into someone a lot more Zen. Simply feel the waves of irritation as they cross your stomach, chest, and any part of your body and breathe deeply as you try to access the stillness within you, without reacting. Surrender the resistance and irritation. Then, ask yourself if it makes sense to spend time at that moment with whatever you are doing or if it can wait a bit. Use your common sense and your intuition, which are way more easily accessed when you are relaxed. Sometimes it may be that whoever is interrupting you really needs something, so just stay present with the person, listen, and give them the support that’s required of you. And yet at other times, that won’t be so critical, so you can simply set your boundaries by asking, calmly but firmly, to give you some time so that you can finish whatever you are doing and then provide your full attention to them. Don’t be afraid to ask for transition times if you feel you need them!
2. Master Feeling Comfortable In The Company Of Others
Apart from the irritation of being interrupted, another challenge is dealing with the actual stress of being around others. The sudden change from being alone, in your own secure space, to being with others can trigger a lot of stress. This can be felt as discomfort but also as a feeling of being distracted or absent-minded, as you may be still thinking about whatever you were doing before the interruption. There might also be some sadness as if you are not entitled anymore to do the things you like.
The main reasons for this are a fear of having to meet others’ expectations, of potentially being judged, and of losing the freedom to do what you wanted. This is why many avoidants tend to stay alone for a large part of their lives, but this comes at the cost of not fulfilling their own need to connect. Just like we did in tip no. 1, I recommend you question these beliefs to see the truth behind them and come up with new statements that really work for you by empowering you. I invite you to write me here to let me know what you came up with!
I recall how before moving in with my wife, I just felt this sudden urge to play video games at night and to take warm baths. What’s funny is that I was not even that fond of warm baths before, but suddenly I felt that I needed to do everything that I thought I wouldn’t have the chance (or almost the permission!) to do anymore as I moved in with someone else. My belief, without knowing it, was that these were the last moments of real freedom that I would have and, although a part of me was excited to move in together, another part was afraid of losing this freedom. This was the same feeling that I had before ending my vacations when I was a child in school. I would play as many hours of video games as possible right before my school obligations kicked in. As I have moved in with my wife, I have realized that, although we now have to coordinate certain times to do things together apart from house chores, I also have enough time to do anything on my own.
I also know of some avoidant people that have a problem reconnecting after having been apart for some time. The reasons are similar to those disclosed above. They might even resist hugging or kissing until they can again feel at ease with their partner, which can at times lead to fights and arguments if the other partner is not aware of this pattern. It is crucial that the avoidant partner himself takes responsibility for this attitude. My recommendation is to learn to relax in the company of others. This goes back again to the practice of mindfulness, where you learn to lean into your discomfort, allowing that energy to flow through you without blocking it, and allowing for a natural relaxation to take place. You can also practice coregulation by allowing the presence of the other person to relax you instead of being a catalyst of stress. Consciously and slowly hugging is a great way to achieve this. Coregulation will become a lot easier if you, instead of avoiding it, learn to breathe, feel your body and ground yourself in the presence of others. Remember that all emotions pass and any discomfort will too.
3. Work On Your Insensitivity Over Comings And Goings
This is a big one. Many couples, especially those involving at least one avoidant partner, tend not to acknowledge each other as the partner comes back. This can affect the relationship and the connection with each other and runs the risk of becoming a habit. This behavior can make one or both partners feel neglected, enlarging the emotional gap between them.
For this aspect, psychologists such as Dr. Diane Poole Heller suggest creating a greeting ritual. If you hear your partner coming in, stand up and greet them with a hug or a kiss. Practice relaxing with your partner as you perform this ritual. Do it despite the resistance that you may feel. Remember that it doesn’t mean that you don’t love them, it is simply that, due to your past experiences, you have a bit of a challenge when transitioning from being alone to being in the company of others that, with some practice, can be overcome. The more you can keep this little ritual, the easier it will become and the greater your connection.
Remember, recognize, analyze, and change your limiting beliefs, learn to speak up and state your needs, learn to relax into the discomfort, create greeting rituals, and practice, practice, practice! You will see changes over time that will make the transitions between being alone to being in the company of others a lot easier.
You can discover more about my work by visiting my website. If you are interested in working to improve your relationships, shift your attachment style into a secure one, overcome your fear of commitment, or simply create a lighter life with more peace and well-being, I invite you to apply for coaching here and let me know more about your situation so that we can explore how I may be of help to you. I further invite you to subscribe to my newsletter by filling out the form on my website by following this link. By subscribing you will receive my Free Gift where I provide 3 tips to overcome the fear of commitment to create fulfilling relationships. You will also get updates from me occasionally including articles and videos about this topic.
Javier Peñalba, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
Javier Peñalba is an ICF certified life coach helping people with fear of commitment to create fulfilling relationships. Having dealt with anxiety for decades since the young age of 6 after the sudden suicide of his father some meters away from him, Javier has worked on a long journey of self-discovery, where he uncovered symptoms of commitment phobia, relationship OCD and anxiety. In particular, he could not stay in any intimate relationship for more than a few months without running away from it. Having dedicated the last years of his life to understand and overcome this issue, Javier is now happily married and is providing seminars and life coaching services to help people suffering fear of commitment.
