Written by Catherine Kelly, Executive Contributor
Catherine Kelly is a parenting coach, special education expert, and host of the Breathe Easy Parenting podcast. A mom of twins with 25 years of experience, she’s on a mission to help parents ditch the yelling, embrace connection, and find joy in the beautiful chaos of raising tiny humans.
As the clock struck midnight on December 31st, many of us were filled with a renewed sense of hope and determination. The start of a new year often brings with it a list of resolutions promises to ourselves to be better, achieve more, and overcome past challenges. However, when it comes to parenting, the traditional approach to New Year's resolutions may not be the best fit. In fact, it can be counterproductive, fostering a cycle of guilt and tension that not only affects parents but also trickles down to their children. After all, how do you promise to “never lose your temper” when your toddler treats bedtime like a hostage negotiation?
And while the New Year has already started, let this serve as a reminder: it’s never too late to adjust, reflect, and focus on what will keep our sanity. Parenting isn’t about perfection; it’s about progress and finding what works for your family. Let’s check out those 3 reasons resolutions are not for parents.
1. The impact of perfectionism
For many parents, New Year's resolutions can inadvertently become a breeding ground for perfectionism. The desire to improve as a parent often translates into unrealistic expectations. Consider the resolution, "I will never lose my temper with my kids this year." While well-intended, this sets an unattainable standard unless you also resolve to never encounter tantrums, spilled cereal, or siblings fighting over invisible boundaries.
Perfectionism often causes parents to focus on their shortcomings rather than their progress, fueling a cycle of self-criticism and guilt. A study by the American Psychological Association highlights that about 50% of parents report feeling stressed and overwhelmed, with a significant number attributing these feelings to the pressure of meeting high expectations.
When parents fall short of their resolutions, guilt sets in. This guilt creates tension, impacting interactions with their children. A parent striving to "stay calm at all times" might feel defeated after snapping during a stressful moment. This tension doesn’t exist in isolation; it can ripple into the household, leading children to internalize similar perfectionist tendencies, creating a generational cycle of stress.
2. The ripple effect on mental health
The pressure to meet idealized parenting standards can take a significant toll on mental health. Parents who tie their self-worth to their ability to meet resolutions might experience anxiety and depression when they perceive themselves as failing. I know this all too well, not because I strive for perfection, even though I was brought up that way, but because I’ve fallen into old patterns I thought I had left behind.
Growing up, my mother often reminded me, “If you’re going to do something, do it right the first time.” That phrase shaped how I approached responsibilities and how I judged myself when I didn’t meet the mark. It wasn’t until I became a parent that I realized how deeply those expectations were ingrained and passed down from one generation to the next.
One morning, my son was proudly carrying a glass of juice to the table. Just as he got close, the glass tipped, and juice spilled everywhere. My initial reaction wasn’t calm or understanding, I yelled. It wasn’t pretty, and the look on his little face a mix of hurt and surprise immediately filled me with guilt.
I knew I had let him down, not because of the spill but because of my reaction. My frustration wasn’t about the juice; it was that old, generational frustration bubbling up, rooted in the perfectionism I’d grown up with. I hadn’t taken a breath or paused to think I’d reacted on autopilot.
At that moment, I realized I needed to break the cycle. My son doesn’t need me to be perfect; he needs me to show him that it’s okay to make mistakes, to learn, and to forgive. That includes forgiving myself, too.
Reflecting on that moment, I knew how much pressure I was putting on myself and by extension, on him. It was a wake-up call to step back from perfectionism and focus on something more meaningful: setting intentions that allow space for growth, connection, and grace. Resolutions demand that we get it right the first time; intentions remind us that it’s okay to learn along the way.
3. Parenting is unpredictable
Parenting comes with unexpected challenges, from surprise tantrums to impromptu school projects. The rigidity of New Year’s resolutions often clashes with the unpredictable nature of family life. Imagine resolving to maintain a spotless house only to find your toddler finger-painting with yogurt on the walls. Resolutions can feel like setting yourself up for failure when they don’t account for life’s curveballs.
I had this very thing happen to me. When my boys started to figure out their finger grips and hold markers, crayons, and other items, they turned into mini artists using my walls as their canvas. At first, I was in utter horror at the speed at which these masterpieces appeared. As soon as I washed one off, another popped up out of nowhere. The faster I washed, the more unstoppable the eruption of graffiti seemed.
Eventually, I realized I had lost the battle, but instead of fighting it, I worked up a plan. I decided to leave all those little bits of self-expression on my walls. I thought, "At some point, they’ll move on to another creative outlet." Now, as they approach 6 years old, I still haven’t washed the walls. To be honest, I’m not sure I want to. My shift in mindset, letting go of the unattainable goal of spotless walls during this stage of their lives, brought me so much freedom. I was less stressed, less reactive, and able to appreciate the little artists’ talents. These days, I grab my iPhone and photograph their creations, knowing that one day, the walls will need cleaning, but the memories will last forever.
By reframing our expectations and allowing flexibility, we open ourselves up to the joys and quirks of parenting. Setting intentions, like embracing your child’s creativity while maintaining some sense of order, lets you adapt to the unpredictable while staying grounded in what really matters.
Instead of rigid goals, setting intentions allows parents to adapt. For instance, instead of “always keeping the house clean,” an intention like “spend 15 minutes tidying up with the family daily” acknowledges the reality of life with children while still creating a sense of accomplishment.
Shifting perspectives for positive change
Reimagining how we approach resolutions can create a more realistic and supportive framework for growth. By prioritizing self-compassion and gradual improvement, parents can foster a positive environment for themselves and their families.
Instead of resolving to "be more patient," set an intention to "practice patience through deep breathing or mindful pauses."
Replace "I’ll never make mistakes" with "I’ll use mistakes as opportunities to model growth for my children."
This mindset shift models resilience and adaptability for children, showing them that progress is a continuous journey. It also reduces the mental strain of striving for perfection, creating a more harmonious home environment where both parents and children feel supported and understood.
Bonus benefit: Your kids might even start reminding you to breathe during stressful moments. Mine do, and I’m still trying to figure out if it’s sweet or sassy.
Actionable tips for parents
Here are some practical strategies to embrace this new perspective:
Celebrate small wins: Focus on daily successes rather than dwelling on setbacks. For instance, if you managed to stay calm during a challenging moment, acknowledge and celebrate that effort. "Hey, I made it through the morning rush without losing my cool! Time to reward myself with coffee that’s still hot."
Model self-compassion: When you make a mistake, acknowledge it without self-judgment. Share the process with your children, teaching them that imperfection is a normal part of growth. "Oops, Daddy forgot his own advice about patience. Let’s take a do-over together!"
Adopt daily intentions: Replace rigid yearly resolutions with more minor, flexible daily intentions. Simple examples include, "I will take three deep breaths before responding to a tantrum."
Prioritize self-care: Dedicate time to activities that replenish your energy, whether it’s a quick walk, journaling, or even five minutes of quiet reflection. (Yes, hiding in the bathroom counts.)
Seek support: Connect with a parenting coach or support group to share experiences and gain new perspectives. Building a network can ease feelings of isolation and provide practical tools for challenging situations.
While New Year's resolutions have the potential to inspire and motivate, they can also become a source of undue stress for parents. By shifting the focus from perfection to progress, parents can foster a more supportive and nurturing environment for their families.
As we embark on this new year, let’s embrace growth, celebrate small victories, and remember that parenting is a journey, not a destination. And if you happen to start that journey with mismatched socks or unbrushed hair, you’re still doing just fine. You got this!
Ready to parent with confidence?
Visit Breathe Easy Parenting to explore personalized coaching services designed to bring peace and connection to your family life. Follow me on Instagram @breatheeasyparenting for daily inspiration, practical tips, and a community of like-minded parents. And don’t miss the Breathe Easy Parenting Podcast on Spotify, your go-to for heartfelt conversations and actionable advice to parents with confidence and ease.
Read more from Catherine Kelly
Catherine Kelly, Parenting Coach
Catherine Kelly is a certified parenting coach, special education expert, and host of the Breathe Easy Parenting podcast. With over 25 years of experience and the lived wisdom of raising twins she helps parents transform chaos into connection. Inspired by her own journey of overcoming childhood traumas, Catherine is passionate about showing parents how to trade punishment and yelling for compassion and meaningful relationships. Her mission? To help parents breathe easy while navigating the beautiful, messy adventure of raising kids.
