Written by: Cristina Ruscica, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
Setting a boundary could be defined as protecting your space, keeping others out of it, and staying strong with voice and reason to ensure that line is not crossed. This could involve speaking up against that which may be crossing over that line and doing all that you can to keep it at its distance so not to threaten safety, emotional or otherwise.
Boundaries are certainly necessary for the sake of honouring your needs and nourishing growth and safety in your environment. They are needed to allow you to function within your own space, physically and emotionally, so that you are able to place your energy on that which serves you. Instead of feeling the intrusion of other’s actions and energy onto yours.
If the purpose of setting a boundary is to protect you from feeling the effects of something that is against that which you need, what happens when it reaches a point that exerting the energy towards enforcing a boundary becomes energy-depleting? Perhaps even just as much, if not more than the energy it would have taken for that boundary to be crossed in the first place. If this is true, then it would also be true that there are other, more efficient ways to set boundaries that do not require exerting this degree of energy. If the purpose of setting boundaries is to make life easier, then there has to be a way to set them with ease. Otherwise, exerting force to maintain those boundaries, becomes part of the problem that you are trying to solve.
Here are some of the behaviours I had turned to that may resemble some of the things that you may also have done, in an attempt to stand up for yourself and protect your space. They included things such as ensuring I said my point of view, even when I was not asked to do so. If someone said or did something that I did not agree with, or that was wrong, I would speak up against it. I thought that being vocal about the things I believed in, in a way that made my voice be heard, was honouring myself and my needs. The thing that I did not realize, was that acting in these ways, was actually using more time, energy and created frustration when other people were not changing according to the ways I thought they should be. Then I realized that forcing my needs, ideas or opinions to be known, were actually perpetuating my problem. The more focus I placed on having to force these things, the more push back I felt. With my unawareness at that time, I thought it was because I had to be stronger, say things louder and bolder. This leading to even more exerted energy and frustration. Here I was, standing up for the things I believed, and trying to place my ideas and perspectives onto others who were not in a place to hear the things I had to say. I didn’t even know that was such a thing. I thought that by saying something, posting something on social media, and being ridiculously bold with stating every point that validated this thing, that everyone would surely hear it. Not sure this was the case. In fact, the more times that I became louder, the less people were able to hear me.
So, these are three myths I have come to understand about setting boundaries and learning new ways that honours who I am, and not having to exert force in doing so.
Myth no 1. I had to use a strong and loud voice, in order to keep unwanted circumstances at a distance and for me to feel a sense of peace.
One thing learned is that there is a way to voice the things that are important to you, without the added force or stress that sometimes goes along with it. There is a simple solution to understanding this difference and you can find this through your own emotions. Emotions act as your guidance system to anything you are looking for direction on. If there is something you feel you need to speak up about because it has created a charge of energy within you, take a moment or two, to feel your feelings. If you are feeling resistance, frustration or the need to exert force, this may be indicating that your need to be heard is coming from a place of fear, or worry of losing control. One key point through this is to never act from this place of fear, as in doing so, will perpetuate this fear, not only in you, but others as well. Hence, more fearful responses and reactions will be attracted back to you. Instead, allow yourself to feel a sense of calm, and then take action from this place. Even if this means taking time before taking action, as this will serve you in the long run. Not only in gaining the preferred response from others, but also for the sake of honouring your own energy and well-being.
Myth no 2. By staying quiet about things that I thought were wrong were a sign of my weakness.
I will hold my truth of this point to the end. There is more strength within the strong silent lion, than the screaming bulldozer that is trying to gain everyone’s attention.
Being loud does not necessarily translate to being heard. In fact, most times, the louder someone is, the less they are heard. This goes back to a simple law of energy that states force negates. The more force implied, the more push back received. You can leverage this by applying this law to the way you distribute your own energy during times you are creating your boundaries. There is a term that states: less is more, and this may very well apply to those of us who feel inclined to state our opinions in a way that is trying to force their way to someone else’s understanding.
Become curious about who you are and ways to honour yourself and your needs. The more connected you become with your truest inner-self, the more understanding you will gain about this power within. Once you tap into this power, you elevate yourself to higher awareness and it is here that you find your calm confidence. You know, without feeling the need to say so. You understand the power of your energy and become wise as to the ways you use it. By standing in your true power, you become less affected by things around you, simply because you understand how all of this life works and that not everyone else has this same level of awareness. Eventually, anyone else who does not match the level of understanding you are at will fade away out of your experience without your needing to exert any energy in doing so.
Myth no 3. Telling people how strong I was and how I was not going to be pushed around creates stronger boundaries.
There is no one else that needs to know the power you hold within, except for yourself. By doing this, you are igniting the light within. Not only does this fuel you, but also, shines bright enough to be seen without a spoken word. This is where the seeming magic happens. Not only are others not able to reach you, but those problems you once thought you had to force yourself against, appear to dissolve. This is because you are no longer providing your energy towards them. Without this fuel, they can no longer exist.
This translates to boundaries in the sense that the more attention given to the things you want changed and things you feel wronged by, the more like-experiences will manifest in your reality.
Now that you put all three debunked myths together, you may very well have come to the conclusion that this entails understanding your energy and the laws of vibration that go along with it. What you put out, is what comes back. The things you focus on, are the things that continue to show up in your experience. This translates to boundaries in the sense that the more attention given to the things you want changed and things you feel wronged by, the more like-experiences will manifest in your reality. They may not come to you through the same people or circumstances, however, experiences will continue to happen that will create the same emotions for you as what you had been trying to resist in the first place. Being unaware of this causes most to then feel the need to be even more forceful when in actuality, this is just creating those same unwanted things over and over again!
Use your voice to speak your truth, and do so from a place of presence and love as this will be far more effective than reacting from a place of fear.
An effective way to hack this pattern of forcing boundaries is to allow yourself time to become present. What this means is that you base your response to things on where you are in this moment, not based on something that happened last week or even ten years ago. Oftentimes, we allow our reaction to take over because of the trigger something has activated within. Pay attention and take a few moments to process your emotions. Use your voice to speak your truth, and do so from a place of presence and love as this will be far more effective than reacting from a place of fear. Acting from a place of calm, set with intentions that are for the highest good for you and for others will actually infuse you with more positive energy than by depleting yourself through instant reactions. Your expressed positive energy will then attract more positive energy back to you. By setting boundaries with these intentions in mind, will actually solve your problem by instead creating the experiences that you desire.
As you move along in this journey, you will discover the ease that naturally happens once you align with your heart connection and then taking action from this place. Loving intentions can still be sent with things that you do not agree with. Doing it this way conserves your precious time and energy!
Strengthen the connection to the truth of who you are. The more awareness of the power you hold within, you will find your place as you stand strong within it. From this place, you are able to hold yourself with grace, compassion, and confidence that will be unshaken by anything outside of yourself.
Stand tall and proud as you practice letting go of worrying about what others may be thinking. So often, we place boundaries and try to enforce them to prove to others that they cannot come near us or impose their decisions upon us. Let go of what they think or believe. Stand in your own truth as this is the only thing that matters. The more you practice letting go of what others think, the less need you have to push up against them.
As you practice this more and more, something beautiful happens. Boundaries become almost natural in the making. It is as though there is this invisible shield wrapped around you that is not physically visible, but others sense it is there. You are nothing to be reckoned with and this, my friend, is where your true inner power leads you to be.
Cristina Ruscica, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine Cristina Ruscica is a leader in overcoming residual effects from past childhood trauma by strengthening self-awareness, understanding the power of perception, and rewriting the script. Cristina's experience working with families for 25 years who have endured crisis and trauma, as well as the profound realizations she came to understand within her own personal journey of transformation, were the basis of the writing of her first book, Breathe Wide Open: Exhale the Past and Fearlessly Recalibrate Your Life. Cristina's writings have provided a pathway of healing that she has now transferred into an original coaching program, Inspired to Freedom. She helps others achieve their own breakthroughs from past trauma, elevating them towards inner peace, self-love, and opening up potential and abundance in all life areas. She is committed to spreading the message of trust within the journey and enriching lives by helping others feel the inner power gained by strengthening the connection within.
