Written by: javier penalba Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
Let’s continue drawing more strokes of that image that we are constructing of a secure attachment style. The more that you can adapt this image to your reality, the faster you will be able to overcome the limitations of your avoidant attachment style, reduce your fear of commitment and create more fulfilling connections.
Let’s pick up right where we left off in my first article on this topic. If you haven’t read it, I encourage you to do so first. The other three must-have secure attachment skills that I am certain can empower you are:
1. Consistent Responsiveness
Do you tend to take forever to get back to your WhatsApp or Facebook messages? Perhaps you easily feel overwhelmed by them and prefer to just put that burden aside until you have the energy to do so? Let me confess to you that I have been guilty of that myself and know this to be the case for many avoidants. This is a trait of inconsistent responsiveness and it serves the function of protecting your space and privacy, lowering the expectations from the other side by reducing your reliability and it even gives others less material to judge you on. People may interpret inconsistent responsiveness as insensitivity and lack of care towards them. Although you may feel more secure, the cost is that you create fewer fulfilling connections and you reduce the quality of each interaction, ending up more isolated.
The alternative is consistent responsiveness, which consists of being able to provide others with interactions that are relatively stable in terms of their quality and timeliness. Consistent responsiveness increases your sense of trust and reliability as perceived by others and can allow for stronger connections. Consistent responsiveness as an adult can arise as a result of having been raised with enough sensitive responsiveness by your parents, but it is something that can be developed with enough awareness and effort. With consistent responsiveness, when applied consciously, it is possible to interact with others without it feeling like an obligation, but rather enjoying the process, which increases the overall quality of the interactions; to be totally present in each interaction without feeling overwhelmed; to be empathetic and in tune with that which the other party needs; and to provide timely responses to others.
To improve the consistency of your responses, try to reduce your response timelines (e.g., by allocating a specific time during the week to respond to others); choose quality over the quantity of interactions, making sure to stay connected to that which the other side might need or feel but also to your own needs and feelings; reduce the number of things that you do while interacting with others (optimally, just take part of that one interaction!); and practice opening up a little more every time. Opportunities to practice abound, so use each interaction wisely to work on this and get ready to see great results!
2. Relaxed Transition Between Aloneness and Connectedness
Another great secure attachment skill to have is the ability to smoothly and calmly go from being alone to being in the company of others. This can be very stressful to people with an avoidant attachment style, but it is fundamental to work towards it if you want to build a more secure attachment style. This is because, due to how they were raised or other life experiences, they had to rely more on themselves and became overly independent, building a deep inner world that may require a bit more time than with other attachment styles to make the transition between being alone and with others.
To achieve a higher level of relaxation during such transitions, I recommend that you first acknowledge the stress that you may feel in these situations and that you apply some compassion towards those feelings. Some people don’t even recognize these sudden internal shifts, feeling confused or leading them to simply blame their counterpart and get angry at them. This can change with a little bit of awareness and self-compassion. Slowly breathe in and out as the shift takes place between being alone and in others’ company and create some space between you and the feeling.
I also recommend that you start applying a transition period between aloneness and connectedness. People without an understanding of the fear of commitment and avoidant attachment styles can be insensitive to this issue, which can be like popping up a bubble of privacy and comfort for an avoidant. You can ask the other side to give you some time so that you can finish whatever you are doing and be fully present with them.
3. Healthy Boundaries
Due to a fear of setting boundaries because of the conflict that may arise and the uncomfortable emotions associated with that, many avoidant people prefer to avoid interactions altogether. Others, being a little softer at the beginning, may be over-compliant for some time until they explode internally and completely withdraw. And yet in other cases, some avoidants set extreme boundaries (or rather stonewalls!) from the onset, pushing away anyone that may try to cross their limits. Neither of these extreme behaviors is healthy because they end up, one way or another, becoming isolated, leading to loneliness and a lack of strong connections and relationships.
On other hand, securely-attached individuals are not afraid of setting their boundaries in a consistent, respectful, loving, calm, and firm manner. Thus, if something is asked of them that crosses their boundaries, their response is to firmly but calmly call it out, without taking it personally and without the need to hide or be awkward about it. They understand that doing so does not represent the end of that relationship and that it is ok to disappoint others at times. In the end, this ends up getting them the respect of the other side, makes them feel more powerful and connected to themselves, can help to prevent burnout or getting overly stressed in the company of others, and increases their confidence and sense of ownership.
To practice setting healthy boundaries, try to identify your needs more often and notice when you are acting against them. You can tell whenever you feel a sense of powerlessness, resistance, and even resentment as you are doing something. When you identify your needs, practice speaking up and stating them calmly but firmly, without hesitation. Use your common sense as well. Sometimes you might need to be flexible given the social situation or when others really need your support. Remember, the pendulum needs to shift both left and right until it finds its center. The more you practice, the easier it will be for you to know where your boundaries are and the more natural it will be for you to set them.
These broad brushstrokes of a securely-attached individual can already give you an idea of whom you can become. Practice, stay conscious and self-compassionate, and enjoy the process and I am sure you can become the secure, confident, and powerful individual that you are already at your core! You’ve got this!
I hope this article helped you to create a more secure attachment style. You can discover more about my work by visiting my website. If you are interested in working to improve your relationships, shift your attachment style into a secure one, overcome your fear of commitment, or create a lighter life with more peace and well-being, I invite you to apply for coaching here and let me know more about your situation so that we can explore how I may be of help to you. I further invite you to subscribe to my newsletter by filling out the form on my website by following this link. By subscribing you will receive my Free Gift where I provide 3 tips to overcome the fear of commitment to creating fulfilling relationships. You will also get updates from me occasionally including articles and videos about this topic.
Until next time!
Javier Peñalba, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
Javier Peñalba is an ICF certified life coach helping people with fear of commitment to create fulfilling relationships. Having dealt with anxiety for decades since the young age of 6 after the sudden suicide of his father some meters away from him, Javier has worked on a long journey of self-discovery, where he uncovered symptoms of commitment phobia, relationship OCD and anxiety. In particular, he could not stay in any intimate relationship for more than a few months without running away from it. Having dedicated the last years of his life to understand and overcome this issue, Javier is now happily married and is providing seminars and life coaching services to help people suffering fear of commitment.
