Written by: Javier Peñalba, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
Knowing where you want to go, it is a lot easier to plan how to get there. By understanding some important skills of people with a secure attachment style, you will more efficiently direct your energy to modify the behaviors that are keeping your avoidant attachment style in place.
“The great secret of getting what you want from life is to know what you want and believe you can have it” – Norman Vincent Peale.
Walking the road of shifting my avoidant attachment style into a secure one has involved a lot of introspection, retrospection, and readjustment of behaviors. A lot of the effort has been focused on current behaviors that were limiting me and making me feel insecure in any relationship or whenever taking big (or even small!) decisions. However, that process was a little slow at times, as I would only wait for a specific behavior or emotion to come up for me to be able to work through it. Triggers are a great, yet uncomfortable, way of recognizing our own areas of development, but what if there was a more proactive way to get where you wanted to?
I then realized that the missing piece was having a clear image of what I wanted to be so that I could channel my energy and efforts in that direction. This has led me to accelerate my own healing and shifting into a secure attachment style in an extremely faster way. I trust that knowing this can also help you to develop a more secure attachment with greater confidence, which will enhance your ability to commit, connect with others, take decisions and live a more wholesome life.
Although there are many other interesting skills, I chose only three for today. We can explore others in a later article:
1. Basic Trust: The Ability To Have Confidence In Others
Imagine that you are in a relationship and you have a certain “knowing” that you will not be abandoned without any good reason, that your partners are not trying to play games against you, and that they don’t want to hurt you, control you or possess you. Instead, you can fully relax and feel at ease and safe, just like if you are floating in a swimming pool with no concerns, as you fully trust your partner and relationship.
In psychology, basic trust means fundamental trust in others. The general belief when we possess basic trust is that the world is a safe place and that we are able to trust others. Basic trust arises typically as a result of good parenting, such as when an infant learns to trust that the mother or other caregiver will be there if needed and that it is safe to be around them. As the child grows up, this feeling of safe haven is then extended to others, such as to friends, colleagues, bosses, partners and other areas of life. Basic trust gets physiologically lodged in the brain and wired into the attachment and nervous system, so that the individual can feel relaxed and safe in most situations where there is no imminent danger, including, e.g., with a partner. This creates a sense of resiliency, optimism, emotional security and of being supported independent of the circumstances.
You can increase your basic trust by imagining someone that you consider embodies this characteristic, e.g., someone very secure, that trusts himself and others and seems to walk life lightly and smoothly. Do you have that person in mind? Now imagine for a moment how it would feel to walk in his or her shoes. How would you feel, walk, talk and interact with your world? Connect as much as you can with this feeling of lightness, confidence and trust. Practice this in a visualization as you meditate (e.g., in the morning as you prepare for your day) and you will start rewiring your brain to create more basic trust.
2. Rupture And Repair: The Ability To Make Amends And Grow Through Conflict
Do you tend to stonewall or close off whenever there’s an argument? Or maybe you have a hard time admitting your mistakes, apologizing or even forgiving when you are hurt? Has avoiding conflict altogether or running away from it once it happens been your coping mechanism so far against conflict? These are all signs tied to an avoidant attachment style that you should be aware of.
However, the amazing set of skills represented by rupture and repair enables us to go through conflict or to make mistakes knowing that that’s not the end of it. The basic premise is that if we fall off in a relationship, we have the power to stand up again, shake off the dust and continue our journey even stronger, with a new lesson at our service. For this, it is fundamental to understand that conflict and mistakes are necessary in life and we have to experience them in order to grow and learn. For example, if we have a fight with a significant one, this skill allows you to talk through it, to apologize, to forgive, to learn from the experience and let go of the resentment.
From now on, use any conflictive situation to practice repair after a rupture without the need to catastrophize about it or to totally withdraw. Gather strength by taking the space that you need; feel the emotions that come, with compassion and without identifying with them; reflect; and then dare to communicate and find a solution. Each time you do this, you will become stronger and will gradually shift towards a more secure attachment.
3. Presence: The Greatest Gift We Can Give To Others
Most people that I know nowadays cannot stay away from their phones for more than a couple of minutes. It can happen that you are engaging in a conversation all while they are looking at their bright, colorful screens. This is not unique to people with an avoidant attachment, but to the vast majority of our society. However, it does not have to be that way. Presence is a great skill of secure attachment that allows us to give others one of the most important gifts that we have: ourselves. Giving our time and our concentration fully to others as we interact creates connection, attunement, empathy, makes others feel heard, respected and understood and can also make us feel great.
The greatest obstacle that limits our level of presence, apart from our electronic devices and external stimuli, is our thoughts. You can hide your phone and still lose focus as you interact with others. You have to train yourself to come back to your current interaction as many times as necessary until your mind stops wandering. Try to avoid interrupting, apply a little bit of eye-gaze and validate others’ experiences as you listen to them. You can also anchor yourself to your breath if your mind flies away.
Another trick that I have learned to be present during my interactions is a two-way connection. You can do this by connecting to how you feel as you listen to the other person while simultaneously connecting to them. This creates a reciprocal, more empathetic, richer and more intimate experience with those around you.
Applying these skills, in time, you will be able to shift your attachment style into a more secure one and create more confidence, connection and wellbeing for you and those around you. Give them a try and let me know what you think!
I hope this article helped you to create a more secure attachment style. Expect the second part very soon so that you can keep growing your skills in this area. You can discover more about my work by visiting my website. If you are interested in working to improve your relationships, shift your attachment style into a secure one, overcome your fear of commitment or simply to create a lighter life with more peace and wellbeing, I invite you to apply for coaching here and let me know more about your situation so that we can explore how I may be of help to you. I further invite you to subscribe to my newsletter by filling out the form on my website following this link. By subscribing you will receive my Free Gift where I provide 3 tips to overcome fear of commitment to create fulfilling relationships. You will also get updates from me occasionally including articles and videos about this topic.
Until next time!
Javier Peñalba, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
Javier Peñalba is an ICF certified life coach helping people with fear of commitment to create fulfilling relationships. Having dealt with anxiety for decades since the young age of 6 after the sudden suicide of his father some meters away from him, Javier has worked on a long journey of self-discovery, where he uncovered symptoms of commitment phobia, relationship OCD and anxiety. In particular, he could not stay in any intimate relationship for more than a few months without running away from it. Having dedicated the last years of his life to understand and overcome this issue, Javier is now happily married and is providing seminars and life coaching services to help people suffering fear of commitment.
