Written by: Marika Humphreys, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
Have you ever received news that totally changed everything in an instant? One minute your life is going along as expected and the next everything has been turned upside down? Well, that is exactly what happened to me.
Totally Unexpected News
It was mid-July in California and it was hot. I was coming home from a work trip. I was meeting my husband and my 5-year-old at a town about 45 minutes from the airport. There was a Peach Festival going on and we were going to walk around and spend a nice afternoon before heading home. We had a nice time and were chatting as we drove home. Then, out of the blue, my husband glanced at me in the car and said those dreaded words no wife wants to hear.
“There is something I need to tell you.”
My heart sank. We had a good marriage, and I had no reason to doubt it, but there was something about his tone of voice... I felt like he was about to tell me he’d had an affair and I unconsciously braced for what I expected him to say.
I was wholly unprepared for what he told me instead.
“They found a cancerous tumor in my arm.”
What? I couldn’t even process that information. He had been seeing a physical therapist for what we thought was a rotator cuff injury.
Cancer?
It felt like overnight, the rug was pulled out from under us. Over the next weeks and months, everything shifted for us. Our whole life changed. Our future, which had seemed so predictable, was now filled with uncertainty.
The Long Haul
Getting the initial news of your partner’s cancer diagnosis is life-altering. In one moment, everything you thought you knew about your life and your future changes. Over time, as you adjust to living with cancer as a shadow over your life, sometimes for years, it is a different kind of challenge. It’s like running a marathon you never trained for.
What Made The Difference
Somehow we got through the first couple of years. He had chemo, then surgery, then more chemo… It was hell, but we got through it. Then life slowly went back to a new normal. A few years go by.
And then he got a brain tumor. While in the hospital, we found out the cancer from before had spread to his chest. I remembered the utter grief I felt and the prospect of going through it all again. This was his second cancer in 3 years and we were reeling. Stress was high as he recovered from brain surgery, went through radiation, and we contemplated how to approach the cancer in his chest. We had been arguing in the car as we drove to a specialist several hours away.
To take his mind off things, he searched for a podcast and found The Life Coach School podcast. As I napped in the car, he listened and after just an hour or so, his mood totally changed. He shared it with me and we both became avid listeners.
From just what we learned in the podcast alone, we both started to change our outlook and our thinking. We both started feeling like we actually did have control in what felt like a chaotic situation.
A New Beginning
We were both so impacted by what we were learning on the podcast that we decided to join The Life Coach School’s coaching program. It was a big decision as all our money was being spent on medical bills. But after discussing it, we both felt it was worth the investment.
It totally was. It would be years before I realized it, but that one decision, to invest in our mental health, would change the course of my life forever.
Lesson 1 - I’m in charge of how I think.
The first concept that completely blew my mind was learning that my thoughts are separate from the circumstances in my life. My husband had stage IV cancer. That was the fact of my situation. However, I could decide what I thought about that. I could decide what I would make it mean. I had no idea I had this power! To actually choose how to think about all of it… I had just been going on default and I was miserable. Once I learned what I could control, I started paying attention to my thoughts. I started to write them out each day, so I could take a look and see how they were affecting me. I started looking at my situation differently. I started seeing that I had a choice about how I viewed things. I started realizing that I had more control over my own life than I realized. I realized how stagnant I had become, even before my husband got cancer. This one concept alone started to change my life. In the midst of his recovery from the brain tumor and us starting to figure out how to fight the spread of his cancer, I started taking back control of my life…
Lesson 2 - I’m responsible for my own emotions.
Another revelation I had came later in our journey. My husband and I had decided we both wanted to become life coaches because of the amazing impact these lessons and tools were having in our lives. The training was intense and we not only learn concepts and tools, but we were both learning more about ourselves. During one session, I was being coached in front of a room full of people and I was sharing how much I hated seeing my husband in pain and how frustrating it was for me. My coach looked at me and said, “You're blaming him for your emotions. He’s not responsible for how you feel. You are responsible for your own emotions.”
I was floored. I didn’t even realize that I had become so tangled up in him and his condition, that I was basing how I felt on how he felt. And I was starting to resent him for it! Recognizing that I’m the one responsible for my emotions was at first shocking, but then became empowering. It took a while and lots of reminders to break out of my habits, but I relished knowing that I’m responsible for myself. It gave me my power back.
Lesson 3 - Life is always 50/50.
The other life-shifting lesson I learned during that time is that life isn’t supposed to be good all the time. Rather, life is always going to be part good and part bad. That 50% of the time, things will be great and the other 50%, things will be terrible. It may sound weird, but looking at life this way brought me huge relief. I always felt that life is supposed to be good and I’m supposed to be happy. So, when I wasn’t happy and life was hard, I resisted it and felt like something was wrong. Resisting reality takes so much energy… and gets you nowhere! There is supposed to be contrast in life and it doesn’t mean that something has gone wrong.
Moving Forward
Over the next several years, as my husband battled stage IV cancer, these three lessons helped me deal with this very difficult situation, but also made me a better parent, more capable employee, and more confident individual. In the midst of it all, I actually got a long sought after a promotion at work because I had developed confidence in myself and my leadership ability.
My husband passed away from cancer after a 5-year battle. Adjusting to becoming a widow and single parent while also dealing with grief was its own challenge. However, I continued to rely on a coach to help me through.
I now help other people, unexpected caregivers, learn the resiliency skills that made such a huge difference in my life. I coach others through this difficult time and help them develop the resiliency skills they need to not just cope with their partner’s cancer, but actually develop their inner strength so that they can face anything that comes their way.
Marika Humphreys, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
Marika Humphreys is a Resiliency Coach. At the age of 40, while working full time and raising a 5 year old, her late husband was diagnosed with cancer. Over the next 5 years as her husband battled multiple cancers she took on many roles including spouse, employee, mom, and caregiver. Marika believes caregiving is one of the toughest jobs out there and it’s easy to become depleted and feel like you have no control. Through coaching she learned that she could still be in charge of her life, even while caregiving to her husband. Coaching helped her discover her own power, strength, and resilience and now she helps her clients do the same. She believes that even in the midst of a challenge like having a spouse with cancer, you can build resiliency skills and take control of your life.
