Written by: Steve Schleupner, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
It takes courage to ask for a divorce. Many divorcees dive right in before they change their minds. As a result, they make key mistakes.
You are sitting in a marriage that is simply not working. It’s not “broken,” a “failure,” or any other label that conjures shame. The relationship has transformed in such a way that it’s no longer serving the couple. It’s as simple as that. Yet, many divorcees use similar defining words as they end their marriage. These words invigorate the divorce stereotype, which misguides their initial steps as they start the process.
Broaching a divorce with your spouse takes tremendous courage, especially if there is pent-up frustration and toxicity. Common responses are disbelief, anger, loss of trust, and fear as the family’s status shifts from what’s familiar to a landscape completely unfamiliar. Misperception, and a tendency to argue against the truth, quickly bring one’s protection instincts to the forefront. This is why many couples, in marriage counseling quickly drop into hiring family lawyers as the next step. They move from putting energy towards finding a successful outcome to a structure that is not designed to produce a cohesive resolve.
It doesn’t need to be this way. This can’t be the norm because not only do families carry the ramifications of a botched divorce, but so too do their communities. Yes, there is a legal process necessary to end your marriage contract. But this does not mean the swirling nature of this process should, by default, impede upon the best possible outcome each person truly wants for themselves and their children.
As I’ve coached divorcees, I have come to realize successful divorces are those that take the right steps upfront. Here are three keys to starting a divorce off on the right path.
First: Vow To Do No Further Harm With Divorce
Marriages begin with sacred vows. They are sacred not only because they are spoken, often in front of family, friends, and clergy, but because these intentions formulate dreams of what can be. The dreams are sacred intentions for each other, children, and a future on which the couple dedicates themselves.
When a marriage begins not to work in a way that serves the couple, it becomes scary to enter into the abyss called divorce. However, isn’t it possible to establish a new vow – a new intention? Speaking a vow at the end of their marriage sets the couple on a path to the divorce outcome they truly want.
It takes a lot of courage to face divorce with integrity and without blame and judgment. Yet, isn’t the alternative route worse? If couples recognize the marriage is simply not working, and begin telling the truth about the marriage and what’s transpired, they can speak a new vow – “The Vow to Do No Further Harm.” It recognizes harm was done, but then lays the groundwork for possibility and hope, just as did the vows spoken at the marriage ceremony. It brings different energy so they can uncouple in the best way possible.
Second: Create A Platform To Hear Shared Intentions
Just as marriage vows are spoken by each party, so too must their intentions. “The Vow to Do No Further Harm” is positioned for success when each person has a platform to speak their shared intentions to the other.
I’ve worked with couples whose financial life is so intertwined, like couples who own a business together, or those who have major shared real estate interests, that they are keenly aware the family court is not the best place to work out their future. These couples are almost forced to work together. I start the divorce coaching by asking them to outline the intentions they have for themselves, their spouse, their children, their employees, and their friends. This initial dialogue allows them to see the similarity of their intentions.
The nature of divorce brings a lot of distractions. A true understanding of shared intentions is the foundation upon which the couple co-creates their future. It allows them to reset their focus, rather than aimlessly arguing.
Third: Know When To Pause
I have yet to find a Family Court that seeks to learn about all the unique inner workings happening within a relationship and then alters its process so it better aligns with the couple’s situation. No! The Family Court operates off established civil procedure, and every couple is forced to go through it. Some cases move through easily, while others are square pegs slamming into round holes. Two factors that can quickly knock a divorce off the right path are high contentiousness and financial complexity.
Every divorce maintains a layer of unavoidable costs. Some unavoidable time, energy, and money are necessary to complete the divorce process. However, when couples have high degrees of unresolved contentiousness, the legal process can quickly shift the effects beyond the unavoidable costs to compound avoidable costs of time, energy, money, and health. These four forms of prosperity are the keys to rebuilding one’s life. Yet, they are eroded by the toxicity around divorce.
Divorce problems do not go away once the judge stamps the decree final. Marriages that entered divorce with unresolved contentiousness find the contentiousness compounds and lasts well after the court has made its final ruling. By admitting that your relationship is at its weakest, and pausing so you can both calm the contentiousness, you can save unnecessary costs to you and your family.
The other reason to pause is if your marriage has a high degree of financial complexity. Lawyers, mediators, and judges are not trained financial experts. They do not hold financial certifications, take continuing education, or stay fully up to date on all new financial rules and protocols. Additionally, family court decisions do not always supersede tax rules, retirement plan administrator requirements, insurance contracts, debt agreements, and other key financial constraints.
The family court is simply looking to solve a division problem presented to it in the form of a case. Since the court can make these decisions without first consulting other licensed professionals, financial mistakes can cost much more than the hourly fees you paid to professionals who crafted case arguments and proposals. It’s in both party's best interests to become fully informed about the financial side of their marriage so they can be in a position of strength to make smart financial decisions.
In summary, the keys to successful divorce depend greatly on stepping back, assessing your situation, and choosing unconventional steps, rather than diving into the “traditional” approach to divorce. As I look at the issues facing my parents as they divorced over 40 years ago to the challenges divorcees face today, I can honestly say success lies in doing what might seem difficult upfront but winds up creating so much ease as the process unfolds. Let’s face it! The divorce industry has not received “blue ribbons” for the outstanding progress it’s made over the last few decades.
Steve Schleupner, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
Steve Schleupner is a visionary and thought leader as he revolutionizes the way people divorce. As a child, he experienced a version of homelessness as his parents divorced, and as a parent found himself grappling to prevent his divorce from creating drastic impacts to his family. He brings a unique philosophical and spiritual offering that enables his clients to confidently move towards the hidden miracles within their divorce, and couples his twenty-plus years financial planning experience to ease their difficult life transitions. Steve's company, You Tree, LLC, specializes in complex and contentious divorces, and he is host of "A Man's Journey Through Divorce" podcast.
