Written by: Gary Napier, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
Covid-19 has not only disrupted our living experience, but has placed one big magnifying glass onto our relationships. Many couples have found during the lockdown, an intensifying pressure, being forced to stay in and learning to find ways of getting along together. Even couples who considered their relationship status as good, have now found themselves contemplating separation. So, if you are in that position, what is the next move? Perhaps Couple Counselling could be the answer.
What is Couple Counselling and how does it work? Why would talking to a third person help a relationship?
I’ve been counselling couples for over 10 years now and have found that common issues come into the therapy room. Sometimes when we are in the situation ourselves, we can be so engrossed in the emotional tangle, that we cannot tear ourselves away to see the wood for the trees. My role as a counsellor, is to help the couple navigate themselves through the forest.
There are 3 reasons why Couple Counselling works:
Firstly, couples need a safe space to talk. Somewhere away from the everyday muddle and on neutral territory. Secondly, being able to have a voice. Being heard is an especially important human need. Occasionally, we can be in the middle of an argument or discussion, and neither person is listening. Whilst both parties have valid points to raise, often it gets lost in those moments because the focus now becomes about winning the argument, instead of listening to each other. Thirdly, to understand each others needs. Stephen Covey once said “Most people do not listen with the intent to understand; they listen with the intent to reply” This can be a big game-changer for the couple, but this only really works if the first two points are adhered to.
Relationships breakdown when needs are not being met by either one or both sides. At first, the couple may not notice. Small oversights and mistakes occur, they don’t appear to look very dangerous but if not addressed, soon they become cracks in the wall. Most people will decide to paper over the cracks and hope for the best. Until over time, subsidence occurs and you both realise that you can no longer cover things over. Something must be done, otherwise the wall will become a pile of rubble that neither of you will be able to repair.
As a counsellor, I am there to identify the problem. Commonly the underlying root, is unclear communication and expectations, which causes lack of understanding, and that in turn triggers frustration. We each have different ways of communicating, especially when expressing love.
Gary Chapman, author of the book ‘5 Love Languages’, explains it in a simple and effective way. The 5 love languages are: Words of Affirmation (saying supportive things to your partner), Acts of Service (doing helpful things for your partner), Gifts (giving and receiving gifts), Quality Time (spending meaningful time with your partner) and Physical Touch (being close to and touched by your partner). In general, we will gravitate to one or two of those love languages. Problems can arise when each partner has a different love language. A common mistake occurs, when we express love in the way we would like to receive it. So, for example, you may like to be touched and you will give your partner hugs or kisses, when really, they want to hear are words of affirmation. Part of the therapy is to understand how we communicate and how our partners communicate.
Undoubtedly, over time, many things get swept under the carpet. Whilst, the sessions will address each person's expectations and frustrations, it is important to note, that we do not want the relationship to stay there. An agreement must be made between the couple, that they will move forward, whether it is to continue in the relationship or to go their separate ways. The relationship cannot remain in the same place, if that happens the only outcome is anger and bitterness.
In the therapy room, I am not a referee, or a mediator; I am there to be on the side of the relationship. A good doctor will first diagnose the problem, getting to the root cause, next they will give a prognosis and finally a prescription. It is much the same with counselling.
If you are still hesitant about whether Couple Counselling works; go our website and let my clients tell you their experiences. https://thegapcounselling.com/testimonials/ Here is one below from my client:
“My partner and I began speaking to Gary due to relationship issues we were having. Gary made us feel comfortable and was very easy to talk and open up to. We’ve had several sessions with him and he has been a massive help. He has helped us grow as individuals and as a couple. We would highly recommend him!”
If you would like to talk or see if I can help, then please contact me via email:
The Gap Counselling: Helping you to move forward!
Gary Napier, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
As an Accredited Counsellor and Qualified Life Coach, Gary Napier’s, main passion in life is to bring freedom to others. His role as a counsellor, is to come alongside people and help them overcome their ‘pain,’ so they may have a ‘hope’ and ‘purpose’ for their life. Gary’s counselling sessions offer a ‘safe’ space, whereby clients feel comfortable to share openly without any fear of feeling judged, criticised, or ashamed. His non-judgmental attitude, natural warmth, and empathetic listening skills, make Gary one of the top counsellors to work with. He specialises in couple counselling, anxiety, anger management, and self-esteem. The Gap Counselling has seen a substantial increase in demand, especially over the last two years, during the pandemic.
“People are really struggling. They often come just to be heard. It is an enormously powerful thing to be listened to” ‒ Gary Napier
