Beth Jackson is an experienced psychotherapist and coach, working with clients across the UK and beyond. In counselling, she specialises in anxiety and self-esteem support and also works with many couples as well as those working through grief and trauma.
Most of the couple's work I do begins with one or both partners saying they don’t communicate well or don’t communicate at all. I’ve lost count of how many times I have heard that. There are so many pressures on our relationships today, not just from busy lifestyles, work pressures, money worries, etc. But added to this, the social media images have us believe that everyone else is blissfully happy and we’re the only ones who aren’t. Or you may be surrounded by couples separating, which makes you question if you should be doing the same. Wherever you are in your relationship, whether you just want to improve things slightly or whether you are at a crisis point, these are my top recommendations.
1. Prioritise
Honestly, we all need to look at our relationship regularly. It can be like the creeping damp at the back of the garage. We ignore it or don’t see it until things are serious. I’ve heard couples say, ‘We were always happy; we don’t know what happened.’ This is because other priorities have taken over and our relationship has drifted to the bottom of the list. It can only survive for so long like that. If that’s you – bring it back to the top of the list now.
2. What’s playing over in your head?
What are the narratives that you are saying in your mind? Do you think of the positives in your relationship, or only notice the negatives? One sentence I often say to couples is, ‘What you focus on expands.’ If you think of the negatives, the hurts, the disappointments, those are the things that will grow and take over your mind. If you look for the positives, the kindness, the fun, the thoughtfulness, then those things will grow in your thoughts.
It's worth noticing the absolutes you use too. ‘He never does, ‘She always says.’ I doubt that these are 100% true, but the more that we confirm them they become definites, that we believe without doubt. One of the best exercises that relationship counsellors encourage is the 5:1 method. Try to find 5 positive things in your partner for every 1 negative. Then build on this and try to notice and comment on it. If you can thank your partner for the little things and notice these rather than only comment on the negatives, it drastically changes the atmosphere and tone. It shows our partner that we recognise and appreciate the little things they do as well.
3. The four horsemen of the apocalypse
The Four Horsemen are in the book of Revelation in the Bible and symbolise the end of the world. Dr John Gottman wrote about the four communication styles that can destroy a relationship.
Criticism
Using this negatively brings the other person down, making them feel smaller and creating a distance. We may use it when we are angry or hurt but it damages our relationship more. The cure for this is ‘RIP’ to regularly bring Requests, Issues and Problems. Try not to let things build up until we unleash a tirade of anger. Also, by using ‘I’ statements rather than ‘You’ it can soften the message.
Contempt
By using demeaning language or sarcasm we belittle and often humiliate the other person. The cure could be referring back to the 5:1 or trying to focus on the positives instead, by doing this, we avoid this negative trait.
Defensiveness
This is often a response to criticism, we might fight back or become critical ourself. We may try to blame the other person. The cure is trying to pause at this moment and take responsibility for any truth within what has been said. Do we need to apologise for our part in something?
Stonewalling
This is where we withdraw. Either we physically walk away, or we shut down in our minds. This can be a response to criticism or contempt. The cure could be to try and stay present as you recognise you are withdrawing. Or explain you need a minute and take time to self-regulate.
4. Little things count
Think back to when you were first together. The little things made a difference. A little note that said you care, a small gift, making a drink even if it wasn’t asked for, going over and above in little ways. We did it then because we wanted to make a good impression. We wanted that person to choose us and be with us. But remember how much joy it sparked for you and your partner? Imagine doing that again.
5. Communication audit
Without returning to the ‘absolutes,’ what are the patterns that play out when you communicate? Does one of you shout? Bring up the same points? Return to the past? Tears? Are there any of the Four Horsemen that regularly gallop through? Some of these patterns may have been modelled from previous relationships, even childhood. Or perhaps you have simply learnt then repeated negative communication patterns. The good news is that we can change them and recognising them is the first step.
6. Are you listening?
This is so obvious – but sadly, we don’t often do it. Many of us will have heard of ‘active listening’ – really trying to engage with what is being said, without agenda or response. But do we do it? Not easily. Next time you are listening to your partner, I challenge you to notice if you are really present, or are you waiting for a break in what they say so you can respond? If you needed to repeat back what they have just said, could you do it? This brings me on to my favourite communication strategy.
7. Communicate clearly
I encourage couples to use this communication strategy – not all the time, obviously, but especially for important or difficult conversations. Listen carefully to what your partner is saying then use this formula:
Repeat/review
Summarise or repeat the key things that your partner has just said. This shows them they have really been heard and that you care enough to have listened to them. ‘I can hear that you are angry with me for speaking over you and ignoring what you were saying when we had the family over last night.’
Understand & empathise
Tell them the emotional part you have heard and that you understand what they are saying. ‘I can hear that it was embarrassing and humiliating for you and it made you feel unimportant’
Solutions
It may be that we need to apologise (if it was the example from above – ‘I’m so sorry, I can see how rude and thoughtless that was and how much it hurt you. Is there anything I can do to put it right?). Often there may not be a solution or certainly nothing we can do but even saying something like: ‘Is there anything I can do to help?’ or ‘Would you like to talk through possible solutions together?’ can make a big difference.
8. Solve it together
If you find you are in a repeating pattern of ‘fight until one person wins’, recognise that even if you win the argument, does that actually make you happy? For you both to be happy, the solutions must be agreed, this is where compromise can save relationships.
a. Look at the problem together. Try to calmly agree on what this is.
b. Brainstorm as many solutions as possible – even ridiculous ones.
c. Narrow the solutions down and discuss pros and cons.
d. Agree on one solution together and try it out. If it doesn’t work choose a different one.
9. Take responsibility
There seems to be a growing reluctance to apologise in many circles. Perhaps this is seen as a weakness. I believe it shows a strength of character to recognise when we are wrong, even in part. Then to apologise and look to repair what has been done. When you do your ‘relationship audit’ try to honestly reflect on things that you could improve. It’s easy to blame the other person and often not so easy to make our own changes.
10. Choose to forgive
Forgiveness does not mean forgetting hurts and pretending they never happened. It means choosing to turn from the hurt or wrong and leaving it in the past. Choosing to forgive benefits the forgiver. It may not be easy, it may not bring peace instantly or ever, but it prevents us from living stuck in hurt or anger. It is a choice that we may need to make repeatedly, until we feel that release. Choosing to live in the present rather than the past is releasing.
11. Great expectations
Just like the damp in the garage I referred to earlier, our expectations of our partner grow over time. Without even realising, we build up a list of them in our heads. We expect that they will remember certain things (or dates) even when we know this isn’t their strength. We turn this into a new narrative, ‘If they cared about me, they would remember.’ We also somehow expect them to read our minds. ‘They should know by now that I like/don’t like’
Differing expectations can cause damage in relationships. If you expect your partner to be with you on a Saturday, yet they are planning to meet friends, we rewrite the narrative in our head – that they don’t care. Being explicit with each other is essential. Bring those requests/issues/problems (RIP) and clearly communicate. If you want to go out for a meal for your anniversary, have the conversation. Don’t expect your partner to magically read your mind. You would never put those expectations on a friend. In fact, comparing how we speak to our partner to our closest friend, can sometimes make us pause for thought.
I strongly believe if both partners want to make the relationship work, it can grow from strength to strength. You can reinject the fun and spontaneity of the early days in amongst the depth of your history together – even the tough times. Taking it back to point number one and prioritising each other as you work together to repair and improve your relationship even making it better than ever.
Read more from Beth Jackson
Beth Jackson, Psychotherapist/Counsellor and Coach
Beth Jackson works as a psychotherapist and coach in her private practice in the UK and online across the world. She focuses on the aims of the client, working sensitively and supportively to help change happen quickly. Her intention is for clients to recognise their own capabilities and help them empower themselves to live the life they want.
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