Written by: Erin Vogt, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
Living with shame can affect us profoundly, both individually and collectively. This may not be a sexy topic, but why are we afraid to discuss it?
Merriam-Webster Dictionary defines shame as, A painful feeling of humiliation or distress caused by the consciousness of wrong or foolish behaviour. ¹
For anyone who has encountered deep-seated shame, this likely makes sense. Shame goes further than guilt; it is not what you are doing, but who you are that feels wrong or foolish. Replays of a particular event or circumstance where you feel humiliated can take over your headspace and tell you a different story than what is true.
I resonate with this definition, “Shame is the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love, belonging, and connection.” (Brene Brown, 2013). ²
Experiencing loss in love, safety, or belonging puts our basic ecological human needs at risk. Connection is the glue that binds us, whether family, within friend circles, workplaces, or society. We are capable of escaping shame, and we are capable of shaming one another.
Allowing shame to fester puts a lot at risk; health, relationships, work, and quality of life. Understanding our mind's intuitive connection with the body and not dismissing it as woo-woo can save you a lot of strife and stress. Addressing the source of your shame instead of hiding from it will allow you to prioritize stress management and find healthier ways to cope with dark feelings of anger, loss, confusion, and even despair.
It’s hard to admit when we have a mental breakdown or are depressed. Mental Health First-Aid (MFSA) is a program that can help. MFSA has trained over 500,000 Canadians since 2007 by providing support to those developing a mental health problem, experiencing a mental health crisis, or experiencing a decline in their mental health. ³
When left untreated the lasting effects of depression can be fatal. We know this and read about the glaring statistics regularly. For example, research by Mental Health America shows that 27 million Americans, more than half of those with mental illness, do not receive treatment. Additionally, 4.58% have reported serious thoughts about suicide. ⁴
According to Psychology Today, “The more shame people feel, the less likely they are to discuss their depression and get some help for it. ⁵
When consumed by despair, you are operating in survival mode, battling sleep disturbances, eating irregularities, possible dehydration, procrastination, and exhaustion. On the outside, you mask the pain due to daily responsibilities. You are running your family, working at your job, bringing in a necessary income, operating your household, and fighting back fears and tears by the hour. Depending on how you cope, you may not even feel emotions that have been stuffed deep down. The slightest inconvenience can set you off at any moment, yet you know that, if you allow emotion to escape, the humiliation may be worse.
What if you are ‘found out’ at work or within your family? You assume that people will judge, you’ll sink lower into a self-doubt spiral, and the process expands and intensifies. Shame is a danger zone worthy of our attention. Shame can lead to worthlessness, hopelessness, and helplessness if left to grow without being tamed. When you feel an ounce of courage to talk about it or share your story, the enemy can pop in and say, "So what? Nobody cares. Just move on."
So you hide. You binge Netflix by the season, scroll aimlessly, or find comfort in the bottle. It becomes a numbing habit that creates further anxiousness. The sheer uncertainty of the world today is forcing our nervous systems to try and adapt to messages of fear and changes that come by the second. Our nervous systems cannot comprehend the stressful stimuli taking over our minds, bodies, and souls.
Know that you are not alone in trying to keep up at this unbelievable rate. You are permitted to feel whatever you are experiencing.
It is okay to want to hide this painful part of your life from others.
It is okay for your kids to witness what you're going through.
It is okay to feel lost, alone, angry, sad, or confused
Or you may not feel any or all of them.
It is especially warranted to ask for help.
If you are feeling trapped in shame, it is important to consider that you want to change, and even acknowledge it as a first step.
You are the one who gets to choose to shift how you see fear, how you interpret your surroundings, how you hear and read the news, or how you navigate social media. Even though this may be difficult, it is your responsibility to own how you manage your time, who you surround yourself with, and where your attention is best served.
Remember that in the United states, 27 million people ⁶ are encountering challenges with their mental health, with additional millions globally.
Allow your mind to welcome light, love, and laughter in times of chaos. Be open to letting little things crack a smile and weaken your built-up anxiety and tension. In the same way, a loving conversation can bring you back to your feet.
Here are 10 Ways to Acknowledge Feelings of Shame
Explore what it feels like being in your shoes right now. Notice your feelings and write them down. Play your favourite music to help release memories or emotions.
Move your body 5 minutes more than you did yesterday. Start walking, preferably outside and let your mind just notice being outdoors. Increase by 1-5 minutes daily until you hit 30 minutes of active movement per day.
Write down one person’s name to whom you could reach out. If you do not have a person, Google one confidential and anonymous helpline. (See below).
Call this person or the helpline. You deserve a voice to speak with (not relying solely on a text or direct message on social media).
What was your one action step from your phone call? If the call didn’t happen, watch videos online to educate yourself on patterns of shame. Allow yourself to experience whatever emotions come up and rest accordingly.
Drink one glass of water right now, and track how many glasses you can drink today.
Grab a healthy snack and stock up for the rest of the week. If needed, go to a grocery store or market. Make this your only task.
Realize you are the only one in the position to make significant changes. This realization requires honesty and acknowledging yourself for what you have done and are about to do.
Remember a loving memory where you felt safe and were having fun. Who were you with, what was happening, and where were you? Picture this memory and write about it as if it were happening again today.
Start to explore your shame triggers through reflection and seeking support.
Collectively, let’s find our way back to a renewed sense of humanity and honour one another’s experiences with love and listening.
National Helplines: 1-866-903-3787 Mental Health Hotline (US)
1-855-242-3310 Mental Health Support (Canada)
Erin Vogt is a Transformation Coach for adults with ADHD who are ready to create a courageously committed life of fun, self-acceptance and freedom. Follow her work if you’re ready to break free from chaos and unshackle from shame to find your authentic voice. Confidently own your commitments and habits by connecting with who and what serves you best. Erin runs the Creating Freedom for Women with ADHD Community.
Create clarity around your racing thoughts by downloading Erin Vogt's Guidebook: How to Calm Your ADHD Mind here.
Follow me on Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn, and visit my website for more info!
Erin Vogt, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
Erin Vogt is a Transformation Coach focused on mental wellness for women. Overcoming years of extreme stress and depression, Vogt helps women create freedom from overwhelm and exhaustion by making lasting changes in their health habits. She shows women how to unshackle from guilt and shame to find their authentic voice and confidently own their life. Erin is the Founder of Beyond Mom Club and runs the Creating Freedom for Women Community.
References:
[1] Shame Definition & Meaning - Merriam-Webster [2] Shame vs. Guilt - Brené Brown (brenebrown.com) [3] Mental Health First Aid - Mental Health Commission of Canada [4] 2022 State of Mental Health in America Report | Mental Health America (mhanational.org) [5] Shame and Depression | Psychology Today [6] 2022 State of Mental Health in America Report | Mental Health America (mhanational.org)
