Laurenza Buglisi specializes in supporting families affected by sexual violence, intergenerational trauma, and family estrangement. She also provides training and consultancy in child safeguarding practices for organizations and social work professionals.
There really is nothing quite like being a parent. How can something simultaneously leave you so depleted and yet so fulfilled? Your eyes sting, your shoulders ache from the cumulative effects of a decade of broken sleep, and yet, in the same moment, your chest aches with pride as your child’s eyes meet yours following their spontaneous declaration of love for you in the middle of the supermarket.
Most parents have endless dreams for their children as they grow older, but one of the most important dreams is often a desire to have a close relationship with their child. This becomes particularly significant when children reach adolescence, a developmental stage marked by an increased desire for independence from the family. Whilst this is a healthy part of the family life cycle, it can be challenging for parents to know how to strike the balance between giving their young person enough space to grow while maintaining a close, supportive relationship.
Despite what you might think (or what a teenager might tell you!), a close relationship with family remains important in adolescence. They still need you, just in a different way than before. My professional experience working with children and young people, along with being the parent of three children, has taught me the importance of putting the building blocks of a healthy relationship in place early on to support a close relationship in the future. Read on to learn my top ten tips for fostering a close relationship with your teenager.
Start the way you intend to finish
Everyone’s parenting journey is different. We all have different levels of support and unique challenges to overcome. Sometimes, life might throw us an unexpected curveball that we have to deal with. To the best of your ability, start your relationship with your child early on, keeping in mind how you want things to be later. For example, it is important to me that my children understand, as adolescents and young adults, that they can always come to me with questions or concerns and that no topic is off-limits. I want to reiterate that my love for them is unconditional and that I will always support them.
To reinforce the message, “I’ll always be here when you need me,” I made sure to respond as quickly and as often as I could from the moment they were infants. Of course, this was within reason of what I could realistically achieve; for example, I never sacrificed my daily hot shower but would bring them into the bathroom if no one was around to hold them and they were crying.
A close relationship with your teenager doesn’t just happen overnight; it is something you develop over their lifetime, founded on the things you put in place long before they reach adolescence. Having said that, not putting things in place during their early childhood doesn’t preclude you from having a close relationship with your child later on. It just means you might need to work a bit harder if you don’t have a solid foundation to build from.
Emphasise love and safety
The mantra I whispered in my children’s ears from infancy was always the same: “You are safe and loved.” It is important for children to experience their relationship with you as one that is safe and based on unconditional love. Your child needs to know you will love them regardless of their behavior or decisions.
That is not to say you need to condone aggressive behavior or poor decision-making, but you can separate this from the child themselves. When my children were toddlers, I introduced language to describe how I loved them as individuals and that they were entitled to express any emotion they felt, even if I didn’t like or appreciate their behavior in the moment.
It’s important for children to feel valued and respected, which means, as a parent, you should avoid using language that evokes shame. This is especially relevant for young people, as adolescence is a period where your child is developing their sense of identity and might be more sensitive to how they are perceived by others.
Encourage open communication
Open communication, to me, means a dialogue between two or more people where respect for everyone’s experience and perspective is honored. Parents can facilitate open communication by being receptive to hearing about their child’s experiences and showing a genuine interest in them. In my family, we have a habit of asking everyone, “What was the best part of your day?” and “What was your least favorite part of your day?”
I’ve worked with parents who sometimes express concern about inviting something potentially anxiety-provoking into the conversation with their child, as they want to avoid focusing on negativity. However, I’ve found that giving children an opportunity to talk about something they didn’t like opens up the conversation to reveal details about their day that they otherwise might not share. This sends the message to a child that it’s okay to struggle with something and that this is something they can talk to their parent about.
This is particularly relevant as your child becomes an adolescent and you transition from dealing with ‘small child, small worries’ to ‘big child, big worries.’
Establish your family and community
All children deserve to experience belonging to a family, no matter what that looks like for them. Celebrate the diversity of your own family, whatever shape it takes. There is no one right way to be part of a family, but it is important that your child feels connected to theirs.
A sense of belonging to something bigger than themselves can help ground an adolescent during a period in their life when they are genuinely trying to make sense of themselves and the world around them. This also means taking the time to get to know the people in their friendship circle. Doing so shows your child that you have an interest in the people who are important to them.
In our family, we have always prioritized building a community around us so our children had many trusted adults and children who shared our family values. This helps ground young people during adolescence, as they have a network of people to fall back on for support that extends beyond just you as a parent.
Foster a connection with the past
Part of creating family is acknowledging the different generations that exist within it, which means accepting that family is something that has grown and evolved over time—like the whole tree rather than simply a branch.
This can be challenging for parents if there have been cutoffs or estrangement in your own family of origin. I encourage families to find creative ways to connect their child to the past, even in the context of strained family relationships or dysfunction. For example, you might share stories of a few memories from your own childhood (carefully selected if you have your own childhood trauma). This helps your child gain a sense of context for their own place within the family.
It can be something as simple as sharing your favorite game, film, place, or song from childhood. Often, during adolescence, young people will look back to where they come from as part of the process of looking forward to where they want to go.
Promote traditions and rituals
This is something parents can start doing well before a child becomes a teenager. You might come from a family with an established set of traditions and rituals, or you might decide to create your own. Either way, all that matters to a child is that your engagement in these traditions is meaningful and genuine.
This can range from something as elaborate as hosting multi-course dinner parties throughout the year to recognize cultural holidays, to something as simple as returning to the same beach for an annual family holiday. These practices will ground your child in their sense of family and belonging, which will help strengthen their connection with you, even during adolescence, when they will naturally explore and prioritize relationships outside the family unit.
Prioritise celebrations
I think it is impossible to overstate the importance of celebrating with your child. Recognizing their strengths, accomplishments, and milestones during childhood in a way that fosters joy will cement your relationship with your child by the time they are adolescents.
A wonderful way to do this is to introduce music into their lives early on. Music is truly for everyone, just like fresh air, it enriches life. Sharing a love of music can also help you connect with your young person. Even when their music tastes change, it opens up the door to conversations about new interests and allows you to express a desire to be part of your adolescent’s world.
Teach respect for self and others
Teaching your child respect for themselves and others is a fundamental life lesson that should begin while they are young. This extends beyond having good manners and is more about how a child sees themselves in the world and how they interact with others.
A child who has been instilled with the value of respect is more likely to grow into a young person who makes better choices and (hopefully) shows greater respect for the boundaries you put in place.
Limit technology before 16 years of age
I decided before having children not to allow them unsupervised or unrestricted access to the internet before the age of 16. This also means not having a mobile phone. My attitude has not changed since having children. In fact, becoming a mother has reinforced my concerns about the risks associated with unsupervised or unrestricted internet use.
These risks include viewing pornography, self-generating child sexual abuse material, online bullying from peers, or child sexual exploitation. Becoming a mother has also given me the personal experience to say wholeheartedly that giving a child under sixteen a smartphone or unrestricted internet access is categorically unnecessary.
While this decision does add to a parent’s workload (because it requires additional supervision), I believe the benefit outweighs the effort. Digital technology is relatively new in modern parenting and something my parents’ generation didn’t have to grapple with. Be careful not to miss opportunities during your child’s youth for them to explore nature, build face-to-face relationships with friends, play cards and board games with the family, and learn to help cook family meals.
Invest in yourself
Lastly, it is important not to lose yourself in the journey of becoming a parent. You continue to grow and develop and have your own hopes, wants, and needs. Neglecting these entirely risks relying on living through your child to achieve your own goals. This can interfere with the closeness of your relationship, particularly if your child feels pressured to make certain decisions to please you during adolescence. This might include decisions about job prospects or study pathways.
Your ability to remain present as a parent and attuned to what your young person needs from you is more likely if you have invested in yourself over the years. Make sure you prioritize good nutrition, exercise, and sleep hygiene, along with pursuing your own interests. This includes fostering friendships, hobbies, and career-related goals if you work outside the home.
In conclusion, your relationship with your teenager is built on the foundation you established with your child during their infancy and early childhood. If there were periods of absence or conflict during this time, they might need to be resolved to strengthen your bond with your child in adolescence.
Consider accessing a qualified family therapist if counseling is something you want to pursue. For more information about online family support, visit my website.
Read more from Laurenza Buglisi
Laurenza Buglisi, Social Worker & Family Therapist
Laurenza Buglisi is a qualified Social Worker and Family Therapist who specializes in child sexual abuse. She was the founder of Juno’s Circle: Counselling, Training and Consulting, supporting families with complex trauma. Laurenza is committed to ensuring all families are equipped with the necessary tools and resources to parent protectively. As a mother to three young children herself, she understands the challenges of raising children in a digital age with an increased prevalence of child sexual exploitation. Laurenza is passionate about working with organizations and social work professionals to ensure a clearer understanding of compliance with child safe practice standards and reporting obligations.
