Written by Dr. Denisa Millette, Psychologist
Dr. Denisa Millette is a psychologist specializing in trauma, anxiety, and women's health. She is the founder of DM Coaching, an online coaching platform, a psychology professor, and a private psychotherapy practice owner.
This article is about the ten most common myths about grief and loss and challenges the notion that grief has a set timeline or a predictable path. Understanding these myths can provide comfort and a better framework for supporting those in mourning or navigating their own journey through grief.
Grief and its intricate nature
Grief is a complex, multifaceted set of emotions that defies a one-size-fits-all description. It's a deeply personal experience that varies widely from person to person, and even within an individual, it can change from moment to moment. This makes it one of the most complicated emotions to navigate.
At its core, grief is a response to loss. This loss can take many forms, from the death of a loved one to the end of a significant relationship, or even the loss of one's identity or sense of normalcy following a life-altering event. The intensity and duration of grief can be influenced by the nature of the loss, the individual's emotional resilience, their support system, cultural background, and even their past experiences with loss.
Grief is not just one emotion
Sadness, anger, guilt, confusion, and even relief can all be part of the grieving process. These emotions can come in waves, sometimes hitting all at once, or they can alternate, giving the griever brief periods of respite before returning with renewed intensity.
The initial wave of grief often brings with it a crushing sense of loss. This can manifest as a physical weight, a literal heaviness in the chest or limbs, as if the body itself is mourning. It's a universal reaction, rooted in our very biology, and it speaks to the fundamental impact that loss has on us as social beings.
As we delve deeper into the psychology of grief, we encounter a range of emotions that are both unique and universal. There's the sharp sting of anger, a fiery response that can arise from feelings of helplessness or injustice associated with the loss. This anger can be directed at oneself, others, or even the deceased for leaving us behind. At times, there may be guilt, a gnawing sense that perhaps we could have done more, been better, or prevented the loss somehow. It's a common response, but one that can trap us in a cycle of self-blame and regret if not addressed. A sense of deep sadness and depression can feel all-consuming. It's a natural part of the grieving process, but it can also be a place where we get stuck, unable to see a way forward or back to the life we knew before the loss. Loneliness is another common emotion in grief, as we adjust to a life without the presence of the person we've lost. It's a stark reminder of the void left behind, and it can challenge our sense of identity and connection to the world.
Acceptance, though, is the emotion that many strive for in their grief journey. It's not about being okay with the loss, but rather reaching a place where we can reconcile our loss and live with it. It's a form of peace, an understanding that the loss is a part of our story, but not its entirety.
Grief can also bring feelings of relief, especially if the loss follows a prolonged illness or suffering. This relief is often accompanied by guilt, as if feeling anything other than sorrow is a betrayal of the loved one's memory. Hope, however, can emerge from grief. It's a testament to the resilience of the human spirit, a reminder that even in our darkest moments, we can find a light to guide us forward. Hope doesn't negate the pain of loss, but it offers a path through it, a possibility of healing and finding joy again.
Cultural norms
Another aspect that adds to the complexity of grief is the societal expectations surrounding it. Cultural norms often dictate how one should grieve, for how long, and what is considered "appropriate" grieving behavior. These expectations can put additional pressure on individuals who are already struggling to cope with their loss, making them feel isolated or misunderstood if their grief doesn't align with societal standards.
In the West, grief is often seen as a personal journey, with an emphasis on individual expression and counseling. This contrasts sharply with collective societies, where grief is a shared experience, with the community coming together to support the bereaved. For instance, in Hindu culture, a 13-day ritual brings family and friends together to support the immediate family, reflecting a collective approach to mourning. The duration and expression of grief also vary significantly. In some cultures, like Bali, mourning is brief, and public displays of sorrow are discouraged. Conversely, in Mexico, grief is openly expressed, and the dead are honored through extended rituals and the belief that the deceased visit the living, making grief an enduring event.
Religious beliefs also play a pivotal role in shaping grief practices. Christianity, for example, offers hope in the form of an afterlife, providing comfort and a framework for mourning through prayers and congregations. This belief in a continued existence beyond death can offer solace and a sense of connection to the departed.
The diversity in grieving practices underscores a universal truth: while grief is a shared human emotion, cultural norms and values heavily influence its expression. Whether through collective mourning or private reflection, these practices reflect the cultural foundations that shape the evolution of the grieving process. Understanding these cultural nuances is crucial, especially in our increasingly globalized world. It fosters empathy and respect for the varied ways in which people cope with loss.
The multifaceted impact of grief on wellbeing
Grief is a complex experience that affects individuals not only emotionally but also physically. The impacts of grief can be surprisingly broad, influencing various aspects of health and daily life.
Physically, grief can manifest in numerous ways. Research has highlighted a connection between grief and cardiovascular health, indicating an increased risk of heart attack and other heart-related issues following the loss of a loved one. The immune system is also affected, with studies showing that grief can lead to immune dysfunction, raising inflammation levels and the risk of infections.
The physical symptoms extend to sleep disturbances, with many experiencing problems such as insomnia or disrupted sleep patterns, which can further exacerbate health issues. Pain is another common physical symptom, with reports of headaches, chest pain, and general aches being prevalent among those who are grieving.
Emotionally, the impact of grief can be just as profound. The intense emotions associated with grief–such as sadness, anger, anxiety, and helplessness–can mirror symptoms of chronic mental health conditions like depression and anxiety. For those with pre-existing mental health conditions, grief can intensify these symptoms, making it crucial for individuals to maintain their treatment plans during such times.
The emotional turmoil can lead to behavioral changes as well. Social withdrawal is common, as individuals may find it challenging to engage in activities they once enjoyed, leading to a cycle of isolation and further emotional distress. Additionally, grief can increase the risk of suicide, underscoring the importance of seeking support and help during such times.
Coping with grief is a journey that requires time, support, and often professional help. Strategies such as therapy, support groups, and self-care practices can be vital in navigating the challenging path of grief. It's essential for those experiencing grief to acknowledge their pain, seek support, and give themselves permission to heal at their own pace.
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Busting the 10 myths: Understanding grief more clearly
1. Grief follows a linear path
The idea that grief moves through orderly stages is a prevalent myth. The reality is that grief is more akin to a rollercoaster than a straight line. It's normal for emotions to ebb and flow unpredictably.
2. Grief and mourning are the same
Grief is the internal emotional response to loss, encompassing a range of feelings from deep sadness to anger. Mourning, on the other hand, is the external expression of grief, involving the various rituals and actions we take to honor and process our loss. While grief is a personal journey that can be silently carried within, mourning is shared with others as a way to move through the pain of loss together.
3. Time heals all wounds
Time may dull the sharpness of grief, but it doesn't erase the loss. Healing involves actively working through emotions, not just waiting for time to pass. It's a deeply personal journey, and there's no one-size-fits-all answer. For those who find that time alone isn't enough, seeking support through therapy or support groups can be beneficial.
4. Strong emotions should be avoided
Expressing emotions during the grieving process is a vital step towards healing. It allows individuals to confront and navigate the complex feelings of loss, which can be a mix of sadness, anger, confusion, and even moments of relief or peace. Sharing these emotions with others can provide a sense of support and understanding, reducing the isolation that often accompanies grief. Moreover, acknowledging and expressing emotions can pave the way for building a new relationship with the memory of the loved one, rooted in legacy and meaning.
5. Moving on means forgetting
Moving on after a loss doesn't mean forgetting. It's about finding a way to live with the memories and the impact of the loss, while also allowing oneself to experience new joys and challenges. The process of “moving on” is often about integrating the experience into one's life, learning from it, and continuing to grow. It's important to remember that everyone's path to healing is unique, and there's no right or wrong way to do it.
6. There's a right way to grieve
There isn't a one-size-fits-all way to navigate grief. It's a journey that varies greatly from person to person. Some may find solace in creating a tribute to their loved one, while others might find comfort in the quiet reflection or talking about their feelings. It's important to allow oneself the space and time to experience the range of emotions that come with loss. Ultimately, the "right" way to grieve is the way that feels most healing to you, and it's okay if that looks different from someone else's path.
7. Grief has an endpoint
Grief is often described as a journey rather than a destination, with no set timeline or predictable path. The intensity and duration of grief can be influenced by many factors, including the nature of the loss, the individual's emotional resilience, and the support systems in place. While some may find that their grief evolves and becomes more manageable over time, for others, it may feel like a constant companion, changing in form but never fully disappearing. Again, the goal isn't to 'end' grief but to learn how to carry it with us, integrating the loss into our lives in a way that allows us to continue moving forward.
8. You can only grieve a death
Grieving is a natural response to loss, and it's not limited to the death of a loved one. People can experience grief after any significant loss, such as the end of a relationship, loss of a job, or even the loss of a cherished dream. The intensity and duration of grief can vary greatly from person to person, but it's important to recognize that it's a valid and normal reaction to many different types of loss. As we navigate through life's changes, understanding the broad scope of grief can help us find compassion for ourselves and others during difficult times.
9. Grief is only emotional
Grief is not just emotional. It encompasses a range of physical and psychological reactions. People often experience physical symptoms like changes in appetite or sleep patterns, aches, and decreased immunity. Psychologically, grief can manifest as sadness, anger, guilt, or even numbness.
10. If you're not crying, you're not grieving
While crying is often associated with grief, it's not a necessary component for everyone's grieving process. Some individuals may find solace in tears, as crying can be a healthy outlet for the intense emotions associated with loss. It can provide a release for stress and emotional pain, and even encourage closeness and support from others. However, it's important to recognize that not everyone expresses grief through crying, and that's perfectly normal. People can grieve through reflection, talking, writing, or even through silence. The key is to allow oneself the space to process the loss in a way that feels right for them, without feeling pressured to conform to a specific way of mourning.
Understanding these myths and the realities behind them can provide comfort and clarity during the grieving process. It's important to allow yourself or others the space to grieve in their own way and time. And yet, grieving is a journey no one should have to walk alone. Seeking support during such times can be a beacon of hope amidst the darkness of loss. It's a courageous step that acknowledges the complexity of grief and the multifaceted nature of healing. Support can come in many forms, from the empathetic ear of a friend to professional counseling, and each offers a unique avenue toward understanding and processing the emotions that come with loss. Embracing support is embracing the strength within vulnerability, allowing us to articulate our pain, share our memories, and gradually find a new equilibrium in life.
At DMCoaching.life, we have created many resources to support you in this process, including our Hummingbird groups – with in-person and online group options. You can join us anytime. If you are looking for more personalized support and guidance for yourself or your loved one, book a coaching call today. Let's work together to restore balance, rebuild lives, and effectively manage the aftermath of difficult life experiences, loss, and transition.
Dr. Denisa Millette, Psychologist
Dr. Denisa Millette is a practicing Psychologist and a Professor of Counseling Psychology with over 23 years of clinical experience. Her specialties are trauma, anxiety disorders, and women’s health.
She was recently awarded the Distinguished Professional Service Award for leadership in international trauma counseling development. Dr. Millette is a founder of the DM Coaching platform designed to support women across the globe in creating a life worth living in the aftermath of difficult life experiences. Originally, from the Czech Republic, Dr. Millette currently resides and practices in the United States and Canada.
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